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wHEN mY wATER rUNS dRY (Ode) by Sigh'ense... wHEN MY WATER RUNS DRY,
tHE CROP THAT GROWS FROM MY SKULL BEGINS TO WITHER AND DIE.
tHERE IS NO HEALTHY TWINKLE IN MY EYE,
aND I'M PRONE TO LIE AND THEN WONDER WHY.
wHEN MY WATER RUNS DRY,
i'D, MOST TIMES, RATHER CRY THAN TRY.
iNITIATIVE WEILDED THROUGH STUBBORN SIGHS,
bECAUSE UPON MY THIRST I BEGIN TO RELY.
bUT WHEN MY WATER RUNS DRY...
wHAT I'VE FAILED TO REALIZE,
iS THAT MY WATER FLOWS FROM INSIDE.
dA1 oSBORN3
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.75
Posted: September 2, 2002 1:08 AM PDT; Last modified: September 2, 2002 1:08 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.663823 Overall Rank: 12258 Comments:
[8]
*Lyrisick* @ 205.188.209.107
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2-Sep-02/1:54 AM
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Reply
vERY INNOVATIVE YET PERCULAR.
I love the sentiment but the last lines in the first and second stanzas frustrate me. I want them to glide better.
i expect better from you young man...fix the capital problem a whisper is always heard before a shout and it's not at all stylish...but if you did something like.....when my water runs......[i crawl swear] the crop that..........[cranium sigh]there is no healt......[cataract clear] you know what i mean? be more creative with your() and<> and ``~~~~~''//// trust me it's much more effective than just shouting...and also look up an ode...i hardly would consider this a royal point to be made...it's definitely lyric....for a run down on style buzzez check out horus8's last 5 or six poems and also nentwined does some style flaring contrasts occasional and there are quite a few others, but you'll see it when you see it, and this is only 50% there...i could whip this bastard into shape in ten minutes if i was your editor...shame realy...let me know...i might be able to get you in on my calander...let me know. carry on.h
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