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C. Morgenstern: Gentle Songs (Free verse) by yonderland Gentle songs I sing for you by night,
songs that no-one's mortal ear can hear,
nor a star that may be shining bright,
nor the Moon that glides in silent gear;
To whom nothing but the heart of mine,
that can dream them, listens wistfully,
and in whom no thing except the pain,
that evokes them, can indulge for me.
Gentle songs I sing for you by night,
you, in whose eyes sank my sense and mind,
from their core, deep down and out of sight
my soul drank one longing of its kind.
Up the ladder:
The Buiness Card
Down the ladder:
Sunrise On The Slag Heap
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: September 16, 2004 11:11 AM PDT; Last modified: September 16, 2004 11:11 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2384057 Overall Rank: 4093 Comments:
[10]
horus8 @ 24.130.62.63
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16-Sep-04/11:21 AM
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Reply
Heavy...
Hmm I like this one but not as much.
I think "glides in silent gear" is not very Morgenstern like and isn't a very good translation for "der still im Ãther schwimmt" Also you translate "das eigne Herz" (one's own heart) as "the heart of mine" and use the first person pronoun where it doesen't exist in the original, which completely crushes the charming ambiguity of the second stanza. "In whose eyes sank my sense and mind" is archaic and sounds like german syntax. It is not natural in a translation of an idiomatic spontaneous poet like Morgenstern. Though you have to make changes and substitutions for the sake of cadence in any good translation, you should be aware of what those substitutions are and how they affect the poem.
Yes, I was so busy with the rhymes that I dropped the syntax! ;-) As for the "silent gear," I think it is more appropriate than trying to be direct; the "ether" thing didn't seem to work for me when I tried out the alternatives.
Thanks for the hints, I'll amend the translation as more comments come in. Suggestions are welcome. Best regards, Ralf
Here's my quick and dirty version (by no means perfect either) for comparison
Gentle songs I sing to you by night- Songs no mortal ear knows inklings of Nor a star that stares down from its height Nor the moon that swims the sky above. Songs that none except the very heart dreaming them can weep for as it hears, Songs on which none but the burning smart That devised them grows indulged in tears. Gentle songs I sing to you by night, In whose eyes I've felt my senses sink, You, from whose deep well, too low for light, My soul drank eternal longing's drink
Like that version, too. Much different, I think mine is more coloured. Maybe because I did it for a certain person, rather than for accuracy's sake... :)
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