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War of kites and fireflies (Free verse) by fevriere War of kites and fireflies
buffeted on the breath that skates the hill
enlivening grass blades, shaking trees.
The prized sky is violet.
The razed haze of high English summer
refuses to move, like an incense-hued church.
The almost-steel night thieves gold.
The death of the day spells magic,
scattering letters of coal-coloured songbirds
wheeling and reeling above.
Up the ladder:
Ramblings of Senility
Down the ladder:
My Dad's Armchair.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Posted: July 2, 2004 1:41 PM PDT; Last modified: July 4, 2004 2:02 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.286087 Overall Rank: 3748 Comments:
Like this too, the incense bit was confusing yes. And 'The almost-steel night thieves gold.' I can see where you are going but as a single sentence is difficult to grasp. But yes did I say I like it.
I love this. "War" doesn't seem right though for kites praying of fireflies. The fireflies can only try to dart away. Then as "letters" of birds reel above, it seems some connection with the first line is needed. Like "razed haze of high English summer"
I like it better with the last two lines seperated out as a couplet.
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Do yo mean the church itself is unmoveable or the incense within? That's a tough metaphor, you should play around with it more. it breaks up the rythm of the line. You've got a nice beat on at the beginning with the assonance of 'refuses to move' and then....
that long A in 'claimed', my ear doesn't like it.
'...a high English... ' sounds more consistent to the meter throughout the poem.
keep magic simply magic, attach it to the end of the 8th line, you take away it's power when you do funny things to it.
the last couplet should start with the word 'Scattering' drop 'in the'.
Terrfic composition.