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Secret, Admirer (Free verse) by <~>
These July nights are so dark, waiting for the moon. Sometimes, when he's forgotten to leave on the light, With home in sight, I rest a full measure or two and Wait in the upholstered womb for a lull in the cicadas' hum Uncertain of my nerve, my pizzicato slurs, slows The land extends leafy arms, Narrowing the path, strong-arming the sky Voices older than midsummer surge violent From fringes of fecund swamp, Recon my progress, my waning attempts at escape Now, no city lights violate the velvet indigo canopy As it settles and smothers Wet and close, like a drunk lover No sirens race to save, no moon intrudes As I am pursued by the grasp that lasts When i was six, to see the moon was an event; A handful of stars, a miracle I lived under an oranged midnight Punctured by sonic ejaculations: With the shade always at half mast, Ambulances, cruisers, racers In through the uncurtained window came Like incubi to feed on my unprotected dreamings That second story window which framed my untainted world Seems such a comfort now, The rippled glass and peeling paint a talisman Of an age when safety could be had from across the hall, Invoked by the incantation, "mommy!" I breathe deeply, leaving the safe metal greys And plunge gasping, dashing to the blue. I am a conspicuous child of day racing To bar the door against the Night, Close in the sanctuary where 60 watts will shield me from the unreal Key at the ready, my hand unsteadily crams groove to slot It sticks locked as Night slinks up behind me. He Tousles and teases Raising each hair in carnal caress I twist away, frantic Finally it gives and The triple click of security as I expel held breath convinces me, Momentarily, of Sanctuary I flutter at another narrow victory, Light up to soothe and smoothe away the traces of his dark embrace as Night recedes, Anonymous (8/21/02 edit)

Up the ladder: The Secret

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.4615383
Weighted score: 6.7995286
Overall Rank: 402
Posted: August 19, 2002 9:01 PM PDT; Last modified: August 21, 2002 8:58 AM PDT
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Comments:
[10] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 20-Aug-02/6:55 AM | Reply
This is so sensually evocative - I love this. In fact, I think I love you ZZinnia!
[n/a] <~> @ | 20-Aug-02/7:41 AM | Reply
this is a second draft, and i am not happy with it. suggestions, please? i seem to have lost my way with it.
[8] Frass @ 66.160.116.193 | 20-Aug-02/8:19 AM | Reply
Christof, you're gonna have to get in line with the rest of us who've had our fancies tickled by Zzin's wordsmithery. Other than the rare typo, how can I possibly criticize her poetry? I leave that to babbit11 and others at that level (methinks the two of them are really well known poets who are just teasing the rest of us on this site).
[10] razorgrin @ 142.166.108.236 | 20-Aug-02/9:31 AM | Reply
I think it's gorgeous. The fact that you used the word "fecund" and used it well puts me in twinkly awe. Final product or not, it's great. Suggestions? ummm, in the first line of the second to last verse, there's a typo. Wish I could help more.
[n/a] <~> @ | 20-Aug-02/12:29 PM | Reply
thanks razor. typo fixed.
[10] deleted user @ 167.206.181.179 | 20-Aug-02/1:33 PM | Reply
another swank entry. i like the one about that time you ran over that old lady on your tractor even better, though.
[n/a] <~> @ | 20-Aug-02/1:34 PM | Reply
i know. god that one was classic, wasn't it? but i had to pull it--part of the terms of the settlement, you know.
[9] [mojo] @ 195.92.194.14 | 20-Aug-02/3:04 PM | Reply
Sometimes, even if you assemble words beautifully you don't always get a solid result. There's nothing "wrong" with this piece, but it just didn't "hit" me, as much of your other work has. Perhaps there's an over indulgence in ambiguous imagery and a shortfall of plain story telling. Guess that's just my taste. 7. (Against your other submissions).
[6] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Aug-02/3:49 PM | Reply
yes mojo, i totally agree with you on this one(i justy couldn't put my finger quite on it yet).z..i was waiting to ride the coat tails of someone elses comment into this evaluating this work of yours, cuz i couldn't figure out why i didn't quite get it, i mean it's cool to send the small minded to the dictionary over and over again, but you had me sprawling with your choice of huge cryptic words, and i know that razor grin is a very educated and well read young lady, and she uses the same sort of itinerary (she liked your use og fecund) in her methods of explaining her own writings (i love both of your guys stuff passionately honestly i do), but it is almost overwrought with power words and phrases and structured shape, it moves like an undiscovered deep sea creature, and that can be both good and bad...i'm waiting to vote on it until i piece it all together in a way that works for my need to see where it's been and where it's going, don't get me wrong, i'm still waiting to vote on it until i feel comfortable with it...you are a hell of a writer, and i have alot of respect for your poetry, cuz it demands it. few do..i will read it until i feel it..and then i'll vote..god bless the fecundity of restless desires in us all..s
[10] Jarah @ 24.164.123.105 | 20-Aug-02/11:47 PM | Reply
I <3 it zzinnia it rawx! U have got a knack for this shiznit.. keep up wit it..
[n/a] <~> @ | 20-Aug-02/11:59 PM | Reply
mojo, h: i used to live out in the sticks, and the night was alive with eyes when i came home after working my 2nd (or sometimes 3rd) job. you never knew what was out there--swamp on one side of the driveway, woods on the other. vultures waiting in the trees, an arm's reach from my car door in the morning. the paranoid dash from the car to the door was pure adrenaline. i was younger--10 years ago i scribbled these ideas out; yesterday, i gave them flesh. i was alone--that bit about him leaving the light on? he had stopped coming home, and the only ones waiting up were the cats. call me la vieja loco con gatos...
[n/a] <~> @ | 21-Aug-02/8:59 AM | Reply
okay, the muse has spoken. what say you all? does this accomplish my goal? now, i think it's less scattered, and i THINK there is a more concrete sense of narrative... y or n?
[10] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 21-Aug-02/9:01 AM | Reply
I preferred the first draft-it was more compact and immediate, and was suggestive rather than explicatory.
[9] [mojo] @ 195.92.168.169 | 21-Aug-02/12:53 PM | Reply
Ahhh, much improved. I agree with Christof to a degree. He likes "suggestion", but I guess I'm lazy because in a poem of this length I like to have a narrative to guide me, or at least a vague understanding of what the hell's going on. I'll say nothing about "fecund" (you get away with it :) but I must say that "ejaculations" kinda jumps out at me (if you'll pardon the expression). Perhaps a touch forced. Otherwise I particularly that stanza. I'd go 8.5 if we had the halves. Mmmm...A generous 9. I find that if I have to rewrite to any significant degree, maybe it didn't come straight from the heart in the first place? Or maybe I'm just too amateur?
[n/a] <~> @ | 21-Aug-02/1:06 PM | Reply
zzinnia66 -- 21-Aug-02, 01:06 PM
no, i used 'ejaculations' because i wanted to convey a sense of raw, driven urges--other peoples heat pouring in through my childhood bedroom window. 'incubi', 'came', 'unprotected', 'cruisers'--all sex words, forcing their way into an innocent's dreams... too obscure?
[n/a] <~> @ | 21-Aug-02/1:08 PM | Reply
also in this set-apart stanza--lowercase 'i', for innocent...
[3] god'swife @ 209.179.214.63 | 21-Aug-02/1:28 PM | Reply
Hear we go again darling. the middle bit, I'll call it the bridge is better for it's simplicity. My brain doesn't have to work overtime trying to make images out of the words. But the rest of it is difficult to read Example: Now no city lights violate the velvet indigo canopy.

How about: Now no city lights violate the sky. thats an accessible poetic image. i hope I'm not overstepping my bounds. I me you service, but even the best intentions can F**k things up. let me know the boundaries and I will respect
[9] [mojo] @ 195.92.168.169 | 21-Aug-02/1:34 PM | Reply
Ok, I see that now. We'll have to debate whether that was too cryptic or I'm just slow! I see that it works now, but, and this is the tricky bit. If a word-play/suggestion only "works" when it's been explained (nee "deciphered"), does that mean it works well or not? I'd be interested to know if anyone else understood precisely what this stanza was suggesting prior to explaination. It really is unlike me to miss pseudo-sexual references. I'm ashamed of myself.
[n/a] <~> @ | 21-Aug-02/1:40 PM | Reply
mrs. god--no boudaries are crossed. i asked for help, afterall. i liked the assonance and allitleration there -all the v's and i's... i guess ienjoy tripping over my own tongue. keep the the comments coming, mrs. g.
[8]... shwenatjadeflower @ 68.12.149.5 | 21-Aug-02/3:28 PM | Reply
ok, sorry you guys i got it the first time, before the comments, but i think its only because i have oft had the feeling that night was creeping up bihind me while i fumble for the keyhole on a dark, creepy street...maybe its just me?
[8]... shwenatjadeflower @ 68.12.149.5 | 21-Aug-02/3:28 PM | Reply
ok, sorry you guys i got it the first time, before the comments, but i think its only because i have oft had the feeling that night was creeping up behind me while i fumble for the keyhole on a dark, creepy street...maybe its just me?
[8] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 21-Aug-02/3:44 PM | Reply
Ahhhh. yes, so much more to the point now...i get that feeling alot, alot, alot...yes night eyed critters in the boonies, vacant, sordid, canopied penelopes.... a bug zapper rocking back and fourth exploding the occasional moth might be nice...regardless this piece is moody and sneaky and looming! 8/10
[9] Tintagiles @ 198.164.219.124 | 1-Feb-03/8:57 PM | Reply
'pizzicato slurs...' Damnright brilliant. Slurred pizzicati... DAMN but that's a great image.
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