| Re: My Son by Kashi |
6-Apr-02/8:31 PM |
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this is very beautiful imagery! i can totally feel your love for your son, but what will that love lead to? will it help him to grow? i got the impression that he was guiding you, and you needed him to tell you where to go, not the mother holding and helping her child. i sensed an equalness that is not fitting for what you are saying, not that your son is more or less smart than you, but you do think on different levels. he wants to play, you want to experiance. just some thoughts, listen, or don't.
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| Re: Death Alive by crims0ngh0st |
6-Apr-02/8:35 PM |
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ok, you have a beautiful way with words and images, but in the first 24 or so lines, that's all it is. you have no substance, only spun sugar. there is no motive behind the words, it seems to be building and building up to something. i would suggest cutting the first 20 or so lines, and starting the poem with "The tender scorn of the norm;". then it all flows a bit better. keep writing!
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| Re: Digital Remembery by ifni |
6-Apr-02/8:38 PM |
hhmmm...i like this a lot a lot! you have a very interesting concept going on. could i suggest a change in line breaks though? maybe try this:
capturing the transient in
spinning light,
the ones and zeroes
of quantum meaning,
capturing the fleeting flute
of her voice on my
spinning
plastic
disc.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Apr-02/11:30 AM |
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what is going on? i really don't understand, it seemed to ramble on.
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| Re: cake by roses are read |
21-Jul-02/7:54 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Jul-02/9:11 AM |
um...what does the title have to do with the poem? which,i might add, seemed to be lacking something...perhaps describe how what this person gives you makes you feel...oh, and nice job on the ryhming!
portia
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| Re: Love by DrHardDryve |
22-Jul-02/9:11 AM |
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| Re: I Dig a Ponytail by Doris & Oats by w~* ATHENA *~w |
20-Sep-02/5:54 AM |
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this is really good. i'm kinda confused, but that's ok, the poem has that feeling through out and it works. good job!t
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| Re: Slow death by Blade |
1-Dec-02/3:47 PM |
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very funny...excedingly lovely...
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| Re: one word by Blade |
5-Dec-02/7:27 AM |
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| Re: 9/11 by dougsoderstrom |
8-Jan-03/7:19 AM |
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um...interesting viewpoint (i very much agree with not going to war in irag). one thing...is this really a haiku? i thought the form was 575. maybe i'm reading something wrong.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Jan-03/6:53 AM |
wow..that was really long, and to tell the truth, i got tired of reading and listening to those images. beautiful though they were, they didn't seem to have a purpose. i might suggest breaking it up, and shelving until you need a descriptive line or to.
also, was this metered? just wondering because it said free verse and i'm very confusedd.
keep writing!a
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