Re: speed weed by Freethinker1602	28-Jun-03/9:19 AM
Hey, the stoner manifesto, the bathroom poet. lol.
Re: Love Kills by Kitch	29-Jun-03/9:51 PM
seems like unsophisticated teenage angst has infected this piece.. "love kills ! no one recovers"... naive love that has lost touch with rational thinking is indeed painful when love sick dreamers suddenly open their eyes and see something completely different. Just a little opinion concerning the subject matter. Oh, yeah: Pain and again, do not rhyme.. say the word seperately and compare.. they dont flow together.. just because they both end in ain doesnt mean they rhyme. For some reason the way this poem its presented, the meter and rhythm seems forced.. I suggest you sit with this piece, and think of how to reword it. It sure wouldn't hurt to think of more creative rhyming schemes.
Re: The Shoulder War by Kitch	29-Jun-03/10:28 PM
"Once I cried, All the pain had died, And once I dried them, I saw a beautiful girl beside them." This passage is confusing, and has a fragmented structure. Try to be more descriptive, otherwise people wont understand what your saying. "Oh how she makes me, Oh how she breaks me, In to little pieces, of past Christmas toys, Once she was silence, She became my noise." With this one, i suggest canning the first line.. I really don't see what purpose it can serve. "of past christmas toys" what exactly are you trying to express here? feel like a toy that a child enjoys for a few months and then destroys perhaps? what im saying is that you could spin it out to a more descriptive and creative result. "once she was silence, she became my noise" Again, sounds fragmented and vague as to what you intend this to mean. I understand somewhat what your trying to say, but you need to inject some more free flowing thought into your presentation.. try writing a poem without forcing rhyme into it. "Two guardian Angels, Once tells me sin, One says be nice" Once tells me sin? this line makes little sense, atleast to me. Heres an example of how it could be better written: Within me lays two guardian angels, One whispers to commit sin The other sings of love and righteousness. repeat: Just an example, I dont intend to tell you how it should be written. Also, i agree with the first two comments about that jelly line, it just doesnt fit well into the overall piece. I hope i dont seem like an asswipe with this commentry. Its simply my opinion, no hard feelings.
Re: Creating A Bitch by Kitch	29-Jun-03/11:10 PM
You managed to be more descriptive here.. but like a rose, this has thorns that rip at its own pedals.. "Nothing you want me to hear I can say." I'm pretty confused as to what you are trying to say with this line, I dont do well in translating broken english. "I told you I loved you and did do convincingly," Where the fuck did -and did do convincingly" come from? the void of desperate attempts to appear sophisticated? well.. you failed horribly. Horus's suggestion of removing the do would repair it, but im so confused as to what the hell you meant to say that I can't bring myself to suggest the same. "smell you like a rose" ... Did you smell her like a rose would smell her, or did she smell like a rose? did you learn english from a korean peasant? These questions are sure interesting to contemplate... "But now what you think of me?" Sticking in a "do" in this line would be helpfull. Its strange that you put the word "do" in an earlier line, yet dont even bother to do so with this line.. I'm not sure whos more confused, you or me.. i thing its you. "set free her love then tie her in chains" How unoriginal... I've heard many versions of this line... it really bothers me. as to the ending of the poem, the perfect storm bit needs to be rethought, its a lazy injection spawned from the disease of caged imagination. Also, the entire flow of this poem is somewhat like a virgins first fuck.. quick, pathetic, and dull.. I am desperately attempting to hold back the urge to slice this into a thousand pieces and burn it. Ah well, thats all i have to say.
Re: Forsaken Faults by DeadtotheWorld	29-Jun-03/11:18 PM
hrmm.. first we start with the scientist and then suddenly its a bum... I dont really know what to say.. _shrug_ Had an interesting beginning, but it ended sharply and left me slightly jangled.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jun-03/11:21 PM
Interesting poem, sure did tickle my mind. blessed with a 9.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jun-03/11:22 PM
lol horus.
Re: Have you by XangryXblondeX	29-Jun-03/11:34 PM
This isnt a poem.. damned blonds.. I suggest a new title: An irate blond screaming questions, so confused and retarded that she mistook it to be a song of love and beauty. I pity the day she sees that her poem is the constipated thinking of a blithering moron.
Re: A song I wrote for kristie played backwards by thepinkbunnyofdoom	29-Jun-03/11:40 PM
um.. I suggest.. nevermind, im consumed with laziness. Look over the poem, and notice the confusing result.
Re: Carry You Inside by sliver	29-Jun-03/11:45 PM
I really enjoy this one. I wish i had something more clever to say, but my mind has gone into neutral. blessed with a 10.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jun-03/11:48 PM
hmmm. blessed with 8.