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Creating A Bitch (Free verse) by Kitch My stomachs so tight I can hardly breathe.
Since late last night when I watched you leave.
I felt no sorrow, no remorse,
Your life was planned till I blew it off course.
Now its tomorrow and youâve been phoning all day,
But I canât face you now,
Nothing you want me to hear I can say.
I know Iâve been cruel, and leading you on,
Once things were cool my feelings had gone,
I never wanted to play games,
Yet did all along,
Iâm at my weakest when I come across strong.
I told you I loved you and did do convincingly,
Iâd hold you close,
Smell you like a rose,
But now what you think of me?
I cannot be allowed to do this again,
Set free her love then tie her in chains.
She was so sweet,
Now Iâve created a Bitch,
The next one sheâll meet will be hated then ditched.
She will be me in femme fatale form,
To set the unsuspecting free,
By the sunlight in her eyes,
To the âperfectâ storm
Up the ladder:
Another Dull Moment
Down the ladder:
Tomorrow
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.857143
Posted: June 28, 2003 10:13 AM PDT; Last modified: June 28, 2003 10:13 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.6926384 Overall Rank: 12046 Comments:
"and did do convincingly" please don't be a booger eater on my shift. Remove the 'do' for christ sake. And never use a mediocre movie for the last line of a poem, ever. And being a Bitch is inherited actually, normally from a feminine role model in close constant vicinity during the rearing of the said CHILD.
You managed to be more descriptive here.. but like a rose, this has thorns that rip at its own pedals..
"Nothing you want me to hear I can say." I'm pretty confused as to what you are trying to say with this line, I dont do well in translating broken english. "I told you I loved you and did do convincingly," Where the fuck did -and did do convincingly" come from? the void of desperate attempts to appear sophisticated? well.. you failed horribly. Horus's suggestion of removing the do would repair it, but im so confused as to what the hell you meant to say that I can't bring myself to suggest the same. "smell you like a rose" ... Did you smell her like a rose would smell her, or did she smell like a rose? did you learn english from a korean peasant? These questions are sure interesting to contemplate... "But now what you think of me?" Sticking in a "do" in this line would be helpfull. Its strange that you put the word "do" in an earlier line, yet dont even bother to do so with this line.. I'm not sure whos more confused, you or me.. i thing its you. "set free her love then tie her in chains" How unoriginal... I've heard many versions of this line... it really bothers me. as to the ending of the poem, the perfect storm bit needs to be rethought, its a lazy injection spawned from the disease of caged imagination. Also, the entire flow of this poem is somewhat like a virgins first fuck.. quick, pathetic, and dull.. I am desperately attempting to hold back the urge to slice this into a thousand pieces and burn it. Ah well, thats all i have to say. 196 view(s)
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I don't get that line. Maybe something like:
What you want to hear isn't what I have to say
The last half of the 3rd stanza seems a little muddled too.