| Re: new clothes, same old story by nypoet22 |
28-Apr-07/7:10 PM |
|
|
 |
| Re: requiem for the dead generation by Prince of Void |
28-Apr-07/7:12 PM |
|
No poem shall go uncommented!
|
|
|
|
| Re: Breath by thetrev |
28-Apr-07/7:13 PM |
|
I think you are trying tooo hard.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Apr-07/7:17 PM |
Haikus
arn't
short enuf.
Actually I like it! I would name this 'rockmage' though. :)
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Apr-07/7:18 PM |
|
I think there are much more interesting things about cats.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Lustlets of longing by bharat shekhar |
5-May-07/11:18 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-07/11:21 AM |
|
Can't make the connection, but I like the thought.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-07/11:26 AM |
|
crying profusely for your loss
|
|
|
|
| Re: Beetles by cheese.doodles |
5-May-07/11:30 AM |
Beatles
Brothers
making music that
ignites souls
Teaching
us of love, peace, and
Drugs.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-07/11:36 AM |
Awful moaning
in the backyard.
Coital ecstacy.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Final Moon by Caducus |
5-May-07/11:46 AM |
I like some of the images, but they don't really join into a whole. Is this love? "surgeons on my father" says gentle to me, which is what I think you are going for. At the same time, the image of surgeons on my father reminds me of blood and sickness, rather than love. What are "English" hands? "slave", "voil", "blinded", "average"
All those words in this poem just confuse me.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-07/11:50 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-May-07/1:51 PM |
|
Perfect. They are all the same arent they?
|
|
|
|
| Re: C. by skaskowski |
29-May-07/8:24 PM |
|
The imagery and flow is magnificent. I agree with nypoet however that the self reflection stanzas should be entirely cut. They detroy everything that you build before. Keep stanzas 1,2,3,7,8,9,10 and leave the rest unchanged.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jun-07/5:32 PM |
|
You are quite good at these arent you?
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-May-08/9:38 PM |
|
It's gorgeous. Seems more personal than just a story about a lost love. There are undercurrents that I see clearly but don't understand. Fabulous!
|
|
|
|
| Re: On Clipped Wings by Viirin |
4-May-08/8:31 PM |
I would suggest trying to take out 90% of the "he"s in the poem. Each time, try to find a different way to approach the line/stanza. For example:
"""
He takes off, exhilarated.
Cutting wind with feathery knives
only to rest after exhausting the morning's meal.
"""
The above is not quite right, but you can see what I'm getting at. Try to add more variation. Another thing. Usually you can find a better approach to emphasize a phrase without using punctuation. Instead of putting a word in CAPS, make the description (in lowercase) strong enough to evoke the emotion you want without caps.
Good poem!
~half.italian
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Jun-08/5:20 PM |
leaning
in the circle of its yolk
|
|
|
|
| Re: Cinematic Indulgence by nentwined |
25-Jul-08/8:00 PM |
|
I like everything except from "plot" to "fans". It has a great beat.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Billy Collins by INTRANSIT |
3-Aug-08/12:18 PM |
|
|
|
