Edna Sweetlove
on A Reflective Window by lukehanney
24 Jul 2006, 3:45 AM
Verging on doggerel in some parts, so I'll be generous and give it 3/10.
Verging on doggerel in some parts, so I'll be generous and give it 3/10.
In your usual condition of nincompoopery, I have to ask if you are worthy of attention, even enough attention to confer words like âdoggerel.â Usually, you are so busy making mud pies in the slum that you cannot imagine a resort holiday by the sea. You are not selfish enough. You desire too little. But here perhaps youâve caught a glimpse past the poop of nincompoopery, and I hope it grows.
The haunting opening quote, written in third person, as if it were from a novel, and maybe it is. Then the peace lily, an ornamental indoor plant, which I suppose grows wild by some midnight pool. And finally, the uncertain, dreamy language conjures vague reflections, as a dream would, or maybe really did. I feel haunted by the scene, but can't put a finger on the specifics.
At first, I stopped at: "the zoo in him is his cage." But it's quite clever now. In s3, I'd suggest, "Itâs a roar hollow as carrion." I think that's stronger. "when they met they were kings" says it well.
This is a really lovely poem, so meaningful and awe-inspiring.
God bless you for writing this little gem of a poem. Would there were more people like you in the world!
In general, this is completely shit.
I hope everybody has at least one day in their life when they say to those gathered around them, as I have, âWe are the living truth. History is unable to subjugate us and our inevitable victory of intellect.â Check the grammar, but I like the spirit of this.
WOW. I getting to see into a part of women I've never seen before and it's located nowhere near the vagina.
Not enough info for most others to see this the way the lucky few of us will but for those few it's quite insightful.
How Freudian is this? I tend to be more into the solo street styles -- popping, locking, liquiding, liquid-popping, parping, boogaloo, and boogaloo 2. The babes all watch, but they aint got the moves to keep up. Guess that's why I've been such a lone ranger all these years... hustlin' the southside crews for $$$ and throwing some serious funk-shapes in the big leagues. If you want respect, you've got to take it. -no vote-
Please pardon our crass Dark Angel. He used to be an embarrassment around here until we all accepted his charming artlessness like the bums in Santa Monica. As for artlessness, Iâm afraid this too qualifies. Please try to say these often said things in a more original way.
Sounds "Country" which is why I'd prefer you change "broken and oaken" to "broke and oak".
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da!
The introduction almost makes me wonder if the narrator killed her.
Powerful, in a peacefully reflective way. Have you put this to music yet? If you have/are planning to, it could do with a chorus - but I can almost hear it played to the tune of a slow violin, a quiet guitar and a log fire across the room. That's the best combination.
One thing I'd have changed is 'Selfishness'. It's not a word I'm hugely fond of; would have used 'certainties' or 'guarantees' instead (to go along with the technology - very engineered, robotic, soulless.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this :-)
This is brilliant; reminds me of seeing Donal MacGuire live. The best memory of that night was hearing him sing of a girl and how he should 'administer a pint of Guinness to'er'. He could only have got away with it because of his accent. Oh, the Irish are cool when they're not fighting. Of course, I could probably say that about most nations.
Super.
Nice... very nice. And great imagery. How do you do it? A very subtle .. softspoken tone..... it's too good.