Fear of conditions from the aftermath of intimacy, Wanting to, but frightened. Loneliness awaits so patient, so resident, My amiable nemesis destroying me with familiarity, Beauty stillborn from denials of happiness, But if I touch you, Could I be enlightened? I keep my eyes open as we kiss, Go away Father let me enjoy this. I turn the light off and she laughs, She turns the light on – I am challenged. I want to be invisible but feel her touch, But I am exposed by harsh light, And she is expecting too much. I was told that to be hugged is a weakness, Yet all I felt was a sweetness, Untouched like the varnish of a newborns palm, Safe with feelings of weakness, Yet profoundly guilty, but calm, so calm. I heard the 5 o clock door in my mind, And the whistling to tchaicovsky, Then his purposely loud footsteps on the satin marrakesh, My welcoming hug, And his response GET OFF ME, Alone in this same room with my Airfix models of ‘Spitfires’ and Messeschmidts’ Angrily shouting TAH TAH TAH, In this same room I awake, Still warm I reach out to hold her, But she is not there I open my eyes and she closes them permanent, There is no shame in holding myself, Although my fingers feel like stinging nettles I am a river who prays for the mudslide, A Russian doll unpainted, Pure but longing to be tainted, Living alone day to day, Hoping for that 3 worded cliche, ..................I LOVE YOU !