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Lorca's Terrible Presence (Edit) (Other) by Sasha
Poor Lorca
I want all the waterways reft of their beds,
I want all the winds to be left without dells,
The night to be left without eyelids and lorn,
And my heart to be left without blossoms of gold,
And the oxen to speak with the umbels and shoots,
And the earthworm to wriggle in death by gloom,
And the teeth of the skull to glisten and glint,
And a washing of yellows to flood out the silk,
I can see how the wounded night in its duel,
Lies embattled and writhes with impending noon.
I resist a sun setting in venomous green,
And the broken arch where time suffers in grief.
But donât show your immaculate nude to me,
Like a cactus of black opened up in the reeds.
Leave me with dark planets to yearn in pain,
But no, don't you teach me the cool of your waist!
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.7
Weighted score: 6.35
Overall Rank: 828
Posted: May 1, 2004 1:05 PM PDT; Last modified: May 5, 2004 8:22 PM PDT
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Comments:
291 view(s)
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I want the white water to rest with no bed
I want for the wind to be left without dells
You might at least go 12-syllabic. I see you've (roughly) done it later on, but the first two lines are glaringly off-beat. And the trick of expanding the english line with _____ and/or _____ at the end three stanzas in a row kind of shows. And Lorca punctuated throughout, hijo.
And my one other criticism: you might consider an exciting writer for once. How's your Russian? Some recent Russian poets are totally ace.
Russian's one of the three languages I was born into (the others are french and english)
Which Russian poet did you have in mind?