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Lorca's Terrible Presence (Edit) (Other) by Sasha
Poor Lorca I want all the waterways reft of their beds, I want all the winds to be left without dells, The night to be left without eyelids and lorn, And my heart to be left without blossoms of gold, And the oxen to speak with the umbels and shoots, And the earthworm to wriggle in death by gloom, And the teeth of the skull to glisten and glint, And a washing of yellows to flood out the silk, I can see how the wounded night in its duel, Lies embattled and writhes with impending noon. I resist a sun setting in venomous green, And the broken arch where time suffers in grief. But don’t show your immaculate nude to me, Like a cactus of black opened up in the reeds. Leave me with dark planets to yearn in pain, But no, don't you teach me the cool of your waist!

Up the ladder: smokestack blues

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.7
Weighted score: 6.35
Overall Rank: 828
Posted: May 1, 2004 1:05 PM PDT; Last modified: May 5, 2004 8:22 PM PDT
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Comments:
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.192.43 | 5-May-04/5:07 PM | Reply
You'd do Lorca's rhythm better if you wrote something more like:

I want the white water to rest with no bed
I want for the wind to be left without dells

You might at least go 12-syllabic. I see you've (roughly) done it later on, but the first two lines are glaringly off-beat. And the trick of expanding the english line with _____ and/or _____ at the end three stanzas in a row kind of shows. And Lorca punctuated throughout, hijo.

And my one other criticism: you might consider an exciting writer for once. How's your Russian? Some recent Russian poets are totally ace.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > zodiac | 5-May-04/5:29 PM | Reply
I've tried justifying (the printer's term might be more fitting than the uphulsterer's) the lines that way above.

Russian's one of the three languages I was born into (the others are french and english)
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > Sasha | 5-May-04/5:36 PM | Reply
that would be "upholsterer's"

Which Russian poet did you have in mind?
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.192.43 > Sasha | 5-May-04/5:53 PM | Reply
You still need commas or periods at the end of each line.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > zodiac | 5-May-04/6:11 PM | Reply
okay
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > zodiac | 5-May-04/5:32 PM | Reply
My intent however was a sprung rhythm where just the accented syllables are counted, not a syllabo-tonic one where they're all counted
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > zodiac | 5-May-04/8:02 PM | Reply
And Catullus IS an exciting writer
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