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Swiftly (Free verse) by darkshark The brook will not freeze over tonight
It has rained too hard
The water is moving too swiftly
Give me your hand
I will show you
The shallow parts
Where the rocks poke out of the water
Where it is safe to wade
We can cross together
One step at a time
And dry out our socks
By the fire
As we watch the water die down
When our breath becomes smoke
The embers will glow
And together we will fade
Up the ladder:
paper fragments
Down the ladder:
Paper Maker
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: February 6, 2004 3:36 PM PST; Last modified: February 6, 2004 3:36 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5668 Comments:
Nicely done!
You might consider another word for 'brook', since (here, at least) you can cross a brook in something like two steps. It makes the 'one step at a time' part a sound little overwrought.
Ditto for the shallow parts where rocks poke out of the water. If there are rocks poking out then why are they 'wading'? They could just step on the rocks that are poking out. It being a brook, they wouldn't need more than two rocks, maybe. And while I'm at it, it's not exactly clear why they're risking freezing water to cross this brook anyway. It's not really a casual thing to cross a near-freezing river. You might add a one-line explanation: "Coming back to camp," or some such. On the whole, the writing is good. You need to punctuate, and in lines like the rocks that 'poke' out of the water, you might consider better more poetic words. Write back if you can't think of any. Tchuss.
thanks for the advice...I'll look over it more
I agree with you on 'poke'...not the best word choice It's a bit confused because I only wrote up one draft of it, and I was trying to be deeply metaphorical. Ya know, having the crossing of the freezing water be life, and how it will not 'freeze over' because too much happens for it to ever stop, and the crossing it with someone's help is finding someone to live with, and then the watching the fire and fading bit....well, you get the idea 238 view(s)
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nor is "out of the water"
the last "And" could better be "Then"