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Covers (Free verse) by sonawrote I've looked to find
a resting place
where I can be just me
I've searched to own
a sacred space
where your soul is part of me
tell me what it is you see
when your looking in my eyes
tell me why I feel you can
uncover all disguise
are you blinded by your mind
of what you think you see?
or can you see right through
the disguise that
covers me?
Up the ladder:
I Love You
Down the ladder:
Unfinished
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: January 30, 2004 8:51 PM PST; Last modified: January 30, 2004 8:51 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7510 Comments:
[7]
Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177
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31-Jan-04/3:56 AM
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Reply
It's quite close to something good but it's kept back a bit, i think, by some of the rhymes and that last part where disguise is repeated - somehow gets difficult there. I'd say worth re-working a bit.
This is alright. The rhythm's good. But it's kind of...I don't know. Too generic, overall. I get no real vibe on the "I" or "you" portrayed here. They're kinda just cardboard cutouts. There's nothing that really gives you a unique voice. Oh, and "your looking" should be "you're looking"
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