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Drizzle (Free verse) by Sam
I’ve imagined myself free Liberated from all my human indignities Softly flowing like fluvial droplets Glimmering like glass fairies slowly Descending into the ground to unmindfully Flood the land with gentle take over. Like the puddles reflecting the glory of the Moon navigating the night sky forlornly With its wings sliding through the little rainbows Created from the every strand of my hair as The misty pixies shower me with magic dust. And I've felt myself light as the night air and soft As the drizzles of tiny creatures playing around The depth of my shallow mind wanting to Fall like rain into the earth of my abandoned wonderland.

Up the ladder: James Taylor
Down the ladder: A LOVER’S TORMENT

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.2689414
Overall Rank: 3904
Posted: January 29, 2004 8:00 PM PST; Last modified: January 29, 2004 8:00 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] richa @ 81.178.247.155 | 30-Jan-04/3:34 PM | Reply
It reads quite well, but falls into so many traps.

Cliches - glimmer like glass faeries/fall like rain

Scientific words - fluvial (why not river?)

staple poetic words - forlorn.
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.161.10 > richa | 30-Jan-04/4:01 PM | Reply
thank you very much for that wonderful review, if you don't mind, kindly explain a little further please.
[8] richa @ 81.178.219.76 > Sam | 1-Feb-04/4:56 AM | Reply
Poetry being short relative to prose attempts to make every line count. A reader is more interested in a new image than one used before. So for instance 'fall like rain into the earth' could be more startling 'bury like slate in the earth of my abandoned wonderland'

My second point was critics are quite receptive to when a poet uses words to impress rather than illuminate. Your use of 'fluvial' instead of river is perplexing - why start using scientific labels?

Related to my first and second point is the use of poetic words like forlorn - Such words are used so often in poetry they both lose their meaning and appear to be trying to hard to be poetic rather than to illuminate.

A final point is always try to find an image to represent the abstract - To you the 'depth of my shallow mind' may mean one thing but to others it could mean anything. Readers will get restless and lost if a poem is filled with such things.


This poem overall is rather good though, the flow especially and the use of images to anchor the reader.

Shuushin is a fine critic and he gave you 9.
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.161.10 > richa | 1-Feb-04/3:52 PM | Reply
That was great...it would help a lot for the improvement of my craft. You're such a delight. Thanks
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 31-Jan-04/4:04 AM | Reply
Actually, this is quite good for the most part.

"Flood the land with gentle take over" is not.

I can do without "forlornly" and "little" in this context.

I think it's still deserving of a nine though - nice job.
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.161.10 > Shuushin | 1-Feb-04/3:54 PM | Reply
Hey thank you very much. Great review, i'll put that into consideration for my next pieces. Have a great poetic life!
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.161.10 > Sam | 1-Feb-04/3:54 PM | Reply
Hey thank you very much. Great review, i'll put that into consideration for my next pieces. Have a great poetic life!
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > Sam | 1-Feb-04/5:30 PM | Reply
Glad for that, and I wish you the same.
[10] deleted user @ 208.28.223.39 | 5-Feb-04/9:32 AM | Reply
I like it a lot...you have made a pretty picture in my mind that seems to stick...nice work...keep it coming
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.171.145 > deleted user | 5-Feb-04/4:22 PM | Reply
wow!...thanks a lot. I feel totally inspired by you and all of the wonderful comments. All the while i thought i'd be a lonely frustrated poet all my life. And somehow all of you guys realy gave life to aspiring poets like me. I hope more and more people would embrace poetry and change the world with their works...the way the ancient poet did before. Have a great poetic life!
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