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Drizzle (Free verse) by Sam Iâve imagined myself free
Liberated from all my human indignities
Softly flowing like fluvial droplets
Glimmering like glass fairies slowly
Descending into the ground to unmindfully
Flood the land with gentle take over.
Like the puddles reflecting the glory of the
Moon navigating the night sky forlornly
With its wings sliding through the little rainbows
Created from the every strand of my hair as
The misty pixies shower me with magic dust.
And I've felt myself light as the night air and soft
As the drizzles of tiny creatures playing around
The depth of my shallow mind wanting to
Fall like rain into the earth of my abandoned wonderland.
Up the ladder:
The Playground
Down the ladder:
dream patterned
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: January 29, 2004 8:00 PM PST; Last modified: January 29, 2004 8:00 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3892 Comments:
Actually, this is quite good for the most part.
"Flood the land with gentle take over" is not. I can do without "forlornly" and "little" in this context. I think it's still deserving of a nine though - nice job.
Hey thank you very much. Great review, i'll put that into consideration for my next pieces. Have a great poetic life!
Hey thank you very much. Great review, i'll put that into consideration for my next pieces. Have a great poetic life!
Glad for that, and I wish you the same.
I like it a lot...you have made a pretty picture in my mind that seems to stick...nice work...keep it coming
wow!...thanks a lot. I feel totally inspired by you and all of the wonderful comments. All the while i thought i'd be a lonely frustrated poet all my life. And somehow all of you guys realy gave life to aspiring poets like me. I hope more and more people would embrace poetry and change the world with their works...the way the ancient poet did before. Have a great poetic life!
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Cliches - glimmer like glass faeries/fall like rain
Scientific words - fluvial (why not river?)
staple poetic words - forlorn.
My second point was critics are quite receptive to when a poet uses words to impress rather than illuminate. Your use of 'fluvial' instead of river is perplexing - why start using scientific labels?
Related to my first and second point is the use of poetic words like forlorn - Such words are used so often in poetry they both lose their meaning and appear to be trying to hard to be poetic rather than to illuminate.
A final point is always try to find an image to represent the abstract - To you the 'depth of my shallow mind' may mean one thing but to others it could mean anything. Readers will get restless and lost if a poem is filled with such things.
This poem overall is rather good though, the flow especially and the use of images to anchor the reader.
Shuushin is a fine critic and he gave you 9.