Free verse № 83655
Drizzle
Iâve imagined myself free
Liberated from all my human indignities
Softly flowing like fluvial droplets
Glimmering like glass fairies slowly
Descending into the ground to unmindfully
Flood the land with gentle take over.
Like the puddles reflecting the glory of the
Moon navigating the night sky forlornly
With its wings sliding through the little rainbows
Created from the every strand of my hair as
The misty pixies shower me with magic dust.
And I've felt myself light as the night air and soft
As the drizzles of tiny creatures playing around
The depth of my shallow mind wanting to
Fall like rain into the earth of my abandoned wonderland.
9 comments
Cliches - glimmer like glass faeries/fall like rain
Scientific words - fluvial (why not river?)
staple poetic words - forlorn.
My second point was critics are quite receptive to when a poet uses words to impress rather than illuminate. Your use of 'fluvial' instead of river is perplexing - why start using scientific labels?
Related to my first and second point is the use of poetic words like forlorn - Such words are used so often in poetry they both lose their meaning and appear to be trying to hard to be poetic rather than to illuminate.
A final point is always try to find an image to represent the abstract - To you the 'depth of my shallow mind' may mean one thing but to others it could mean anything. Readers will get restless and lost if a poem is filled with such things.
This poem overall is rather good though, the flow especially and the use of images to anchor the reader.
Shuushin is a fine critic and he gave you 9.
"Flood the land with gentle take over" is not.
I can do without "forlornly" and "little" in this context.
I think it's still deserving of a nine though - nice job.
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