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Lotion (Free verse) by impert&ent
My thumb bears the marks, bloodied dirt in the gouges. Mishaps of my labour among the shards and splinters. The remains of Williams Bicycle Works. My thumb, especially, remembers the bricks The point of contact, the weight, the beginnings of a callous. Pulled from the soil, tossed into carefully aligned heaps. Pulled from the pile and laid back among the fragments of reinforced glass, wooden frames, concrete. Leveled, aligned top and bottom, smacked into place. Black bricks, blue bricks, burnt red and warm ochre. Oblong, transverse, on their sides. My thumb, sliced, cracked, battered. Sandpaper rough. Scraping heaps of dust to lay along the path, under and over the bricks. Heaping it with the blade of my palm, picking out the chunks, spreading it again. Scavenging. Pulling bits of timber from under the soil. Pulling out a chainwheel, a crank, a blank, a shard of cast iron plate, a sheet of rusted steel. My new scraper and shovel. Widening the trench, smashing some of the protruding shards, smashing brick against brick, glass, tile. Three wide on the straightaway, four transverse in the hollow, three wide on the uphill, shifting each row one brick to the left, rising diagonally through the rubble. Scraping, lifting, setting, pounding. Gouged even in the final moment, closing the door behind me as I left By the screws I repaired it with yesterday.

Up the ladder: Enlisted
Down the ladder: memories

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5692
Posted: September 20, 2003 4:15 PM PDT; Last modified: September 20, 2003 4:15 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Sep-03/7:47 PM | Reply
[_] AABB rhyming scheme
[X] About romantic love
[_] About poetry-writing
[x] About suicide or self-mutilation
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[x] Arbitrary line breaks
[_] Autobiographical but in the third person
[x] Clerical errors
[x] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair)
[_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[x] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[x] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[x] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[x] Melodramatic
[_] Naively religious or superstitious
[xxx] Obsessed with femininity
[_] Overabundance of ellipses
[x] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc)
[x] Pointedly unanswered questions
[x] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[_] Sanctimoniously moral
[_] Sentimental
[x] Author is self-obsessed
[_] Thesaurophilia
[_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons
[_] Vicarious wish fulfilment
[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Sep-03/7:47 PM | Reply
Wait let me give you a 7, because the title is killer.
[10] daniella @ 200.59.167.175 | 20-Sep-03/9:46 PM | Reply
brilliant as the man.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 61.219.65.81 | 20-Sep-03/10:53 PM | Reply
[An extract from "Disabled Living: A hands-on guide to life without legs" by Ian Crushed]

Chapter 1 - Lotion

Lotion, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-ti-on: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to rest, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Ti. On.

Lotionless limbs left out to dry, as life gives way to husk. Disabled glands secrete mere dust, and slowly the body roasts. I can barely engage my harness for want of lubrication. For want of that precious lacquer. For want...

of lotion.
[n/a] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 21-Sep-03/9:57 AM | Reply
Can you do a version that involves a Croation from Laos?
[n/a] impert&ent @ 82.36.25.243 > Bachus | 23-Mar-04/4:14 PM | Reply
Or perhaps a Loation from Chaos?
[n/a] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 21-Sep-03/10:00 AM | Reply
And a free mason that hates bricks named Manly?
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