Replying to a comment on:

Lotion (Free verse) by impert&ent

My thumb bears the marks, bloodied dirt in the gouges. Mishaps of my labour among the shards and splinters. The remains of Williams Bicycle Works. My thumb, especially, remembers the bricks The point of contact, the weight, the beginnings of a callous. Pulled from the soil, tossed into carefully aligned heaps. Pulled from the pile and laid back among the fragments of reinforced glass, wooden frames, concrete. Leveled, aligned top and bottom, smacked into place. Black bricks, blue bricks, burnt red and warm ochre. Oblong, transverse, on their sides. My thumb, sliced, cracked, battered. Sandpaper rough. Scraping heaps of dust to lay along the path, under and over the bricks. Heaping it with the blade of my palm, picking out the chunks, spreading it again. Scavenging. Pulling bits of timber from under the soil. Pulling out a chainwheel, a crank, a blank, a shard of cast iron plate, a sheet of rusted steel. My new scraper and shovel. Widening the trench, smashing some of the protruding shards, smashing brick against brick, glass, tile. Three wide on the straightaway, four transverse in the hollow, three wide on the uphill, shifting each row one brick to the left, rising diagonally through the rubble. Scraping, lifting, setting, pounding. Gouged even in the final moment, closing the door behind me as I left By the screws I repaired it with yesterday.

horus8 20-Sep-03/7:47 PM
[_] AABB rhyming scheme
[X] About romantic love
[_] About poetry-writing
[x] About suicide or self-mutilation
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[x] Arbitrary line breaks
[_] Autobiographical but in the third person
[x] Clerical errors
[x] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair)
[_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[x] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[x] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[x] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[x] Melodramatic
[_] Naively religious or superstitious
[xxx] Obsessed with femininity
[_] Overabundance of ellipses
[x] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc)
[x] Pointedly unanswered questions
[x] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[_] Sanctimoniously moral
[_] Sentimental
[x] Author is self-obsessed
[_] Thesaurophilia
[_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons
[_] Vicarious wish fulfilment




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001