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Night walker (Free verse) by INTRANSIT She was
cheeky
as she strutted
from truck to truck
earning her bucks.
Leggy
with one stride
she could step
from ride to ride.
And when the cops came
it was all the same,
part of the game
just someones dame.
I could only imagine
she would do what she could
to borrow
or steal away her sorrow.
That she'd leave the safety
of her home
and do it again
tomorrow.
Up the ladder:
I, criminal
Down the ladder:
No place
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: September 4, 2003 5:23 PM PDT; Last modified: September 4, 2003 5:23 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.5 Overall Rank: 2708 Comments:
[7]
Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154
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4-Sep-03/6:13 PM
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Reply
Starts of strong, but then does not deliver as well as it could.
Not bad at'all.
someone's dame. ;)
a bit weak in the end; I think I needed more syntactic sugar (only imagine "that"), and then... the that before "she'd leave" confuses me. bad sentence. no biscuit. ;) honestly you could drop the last stanza entirely and I think it would be stronger for it. 15/20. Hmm. 257 view(s)
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