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My Last Plea (Ode) by Inconceivable_Dreams
You shake me to my core. And I can't feel anymore. You put me in a trance. I hope I have a chance. I know what's at stake. That's a chance I will take. I don't want to sound fake. This isn't a piece of cake. I just don't know how to say. The way I feel everyday. I come to your door. Hoping we'll become more. I can't hear a word you say. Cause everything fades away. And then I see you smile. I reform from a broken pile. You mend all of my sorrow. Giving me hope for tomorrow. You're my last ray of light. I will not lose this fight. You're all that remains. Without you I'll go insane... I'm out on my last plea. So please do not flee. I'm down on the ground. Hoping to be found. I can't just breathe. You can't just leave. You shake me to my core. And I can't feel anymore. You put me in a trance. I hope I have a chance. I just don't know how to say. The way I feel everyday. And then I see you smile. I reform from a broken pile. You mend all of my sorrow. Giving me hope for tomorrow. You're my last ray of light. I will not lose this fight. You're all that remains. Without you I'll go insane... I'm out on my last plea. So please do not flee. I'm all alone. I want to change your tone. I hear you on the phone. Regretting what I've shown. Your voice is all I hear. Now there's nothing to fear.

Down the ladder: Walls

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.7
Weighted score: 4.85
Overall Rank: 10592
Posted: July 31, 2003 12:54 AM PDT; Last modified: July 31, 2003 12:54 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.164.72 | 31-Jul-03/1:06 AM | Reply
the repetition.. is a bit redundant. 6
[6] JoyLuck @ 68.75.20.171 | 31-Jul-03/1:09 AM | Reply
all the rhyming takes away from your poem
[6] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.164.72 > JoyLuck | 31-Jul-03/1:34 AM | Reply
i agree.
[6] JoyLuck @ 68.75.20.171 > JoyLuck | 31-Jul-03/1:37 AM | Reply
I'm sure there is something interesting you are saying here, but when i read it my mind just gets stuff on this repititious rhyming and i start to lose track of what you're trying to say. Instead of sentences i start to think "say everday smile pile sorrow tomorrow light fight remains insane plea flee alon tone."
[5] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.168 | 31-Jul-03/9:37 AM | Reply
The lines seem too short to be rhymed in an AABBCCDDEE... scheme. Maybe an ABAB CDCD would work better for these short phrases. Reading it made me think that if you read it aloud you'd be breathless by the first ending. I don't really know what the repetition of the poem adds, either.
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 1-Aug-03/2:09 AM | Reply
Childish and honest, brave. 8
[4] Moniquesuvee @ 205.188.209.7 | 9-Sep-03/8:00 AM | Reply
It sounds a little too forced.
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