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Aluminum Xena - Prima Ballerina (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
-- twisted metal of aluminum cans forming the petals the skirt belonging to a scrap yard ballerina named xena my dream dancer resounding foot steps echos the sick cancer rust stains spread our xena missteps skirt silk razors sent sailing into the air naive pixies beware

Down the ladder: my company

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 20
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.. 21
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
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.. 11

Arithmetic Mean: 6.888889
Weighted score: 5.9444447
Overall Rank: 1357
Posted: July 15, 2003 1:55 AM PDT; Last modified: July 16, 2003 10:54 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Rodavlas @ 198.138.190.84 | 15-Jul-03/7:31 AM | Reply
for some reason I feel like it needs some tweaking. But, I like the visuals. sharp!
[9] EAger to Offend @ 204.225.154.253 | 15-Jul-03/2:43 PM | Reply
It's so slim that I feel guilty suggesting that you slim it down. But "...the skirt of a scrap yard ballerina named xena..." is just more flashy. Punch me if economy is wrong for this, but it seems that you're half way there already. "Naive pixies/ beware" is awesome. "Innocent..." is redundant, I think.
An 8 on great images alone. But it could be better yet.
P.S. Thanx for your comments on my stuff. I appreciate the honesty about Sorry Romance.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.170.137 > EAger to Offend | 15-Jul-03/7:39 PM | Reply
damnit, cmon, you should be guilty, xena here is gonna be anorexic with all this diet trimmin! innocent seems redundant to me as well.. will be taken care of.

Happy to be honest always, even if it gets me in trouble. ;)
[9] Terence @ 195.157.153.253 | 17-Jul-03/7:05 AM | Reply
Wow. Great imagery. A well-deserved 9, my boy.
[9] EAger to Offend @ 204.225.154.253 | 17-Jul-03/7:44 AM | Reply
I stand by my previous comment. Also, if foot steps is plural there should be no s on the end of echo. Risking your wrath, might I suggest removing the "of" before "aluminum cans"? Otherwise this is well done and rare at the same time.
9 ifI may.
[8] richa @ 81.86.78.85 | 17-Jul-03/10:23 AM | Reply
sweet images in the first verse well fitted together.

not sure about the direction it took in the second verse. But I like poems that introduce themselves before later revealing the plot
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