poemranker ::Aluminum Xena - Prima Ballerina by SupremeDreamer

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 56333

Aluminum Xena - Prima Ballerina

by SupremeDreamer

Member since 2003 · Posted 15 Jul 2003 · Edited 16 Jul 2003 · 6 comments

-- twisted metal of aluminum cans forming the petals the skirt belonging to a scrap yard ballerina named xena my dream dancer resounding foot steps echos the sick cancer rust stains spread our xena missteps skirt silk razors sent sailing into the air naive pixies beware

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mean 6.89 weighted 5.94 rank 1377 views 397 View voting details →

9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

6 comments

[7] Rodavlas 15-Jul-03/7:31 AM Reply
for some reason I feel like it needs some tweaking. But, I like the visuals. sharp!
[9] EAger to Offend 15-Jul-03/2:43 PM Reply
It's so slim that I feel guilty suggesting that you slim it down. But "...the skirt of a scrap yard ballerina named xena..." is just more flashy. Punch me if economy is wrong for this, but it seems that you're half way there already. "Naive pixies/ beware" is awesome. "Innocent..." is redundant, I think.
An 8 on great images alone. But it could be better yet.
P.S. Thanx for your comments on my stuff. I appreciate the honesty about Sorry Romance.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer › EAger to Offend 15-Jul-03/7:39 PM Reply
damnit, cmon, you should be guilty, xena here is gonna be anorexic with all this diet trimmin! innocent seems redundant to me as well.. will be taken care of.

Happy to be honest always, even if it gets me in trouble. ;)
[9] Terence 17-Jul-03/7:05 AM Reply
Wow. Great imagery. A well-deserved 9, my boy.
[9] EAger to Offend 17-Jul-03/7:44 AM Reply
I stand by my previous comment. Also, if foot steps is plural there should be no s on the end of echo. Risking your wrath, might I suggest removing the "of" before "aluminum cans"? Otherwise this is well done and rare at the same time.
9 ifI may.
[8] richa 17-Jul-03/10:23 AM Reply
sweet images in the first verse well fitted together.

not sure about the direction it took in the second verse. But I like poems that introduce themselves before later revealing the plot