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Aluminum Xena - Prima Ballerina (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer --
twisted metal
of aluminum cans
forming the petals
the skirt belonging
to a scrap yard
ballerina named xena
my dream dancer
resounding foot steps
echos the sick cancer
rust stains spread
our xena missteps
skirt silk razors
sent sailing into
the air
naive pixies
beware
Up the ladder:
I fucked my sister (2 She's pregnant!)
Down the ladder:
my company
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.888889
Posted: July 15, 2003 1:55 AM PDT; Last modified: July 16, 2003 10:54 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.9444447 Overall Rank: 1378 Comments:
[7]
Rodavlas @ 198.138.190.84
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15-Jul-03/7:31 AM
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Reply
for some reason I feel like it needs some tweaking. But, I like the visuals. sharp!
It's so slim that I feel guilty suggesting that you slim it down. But "...the skirt of a scrap yard ballerina named xena..." is just more flashy. Punch me if economy is wrong for this, but it seems that you're half way there already. "Naive pixies/ beware" is awesome. "Innocent..." is redundant, I think.
An 8 on great images alone. But it could be better yet. P.S. Thanx for your comments on my stuff. I appreciate the honesty about Sorry Romance.
damnit, cmon, you should be guilty, xena here is gonna be anorexic with all this diet trimmin! innocent seems redundant to me as well.. will be taken care of.
Happy to be honest always, even if it gets me in trouble. ;)
Wow. Great imagery. A well-deserved 9, my boy.
I stand by my previous comment. Also, if foot steps is plural there should be no s on the end of echo. Risking your wrath, might I suggest removing the "of" before "aluminum cans"? Otherwise this is well done and rare at the same time.
9 ifI may.
sweet images in the first verse well fitted together.
not sure about the direction it took in the second verse. But I like poems that introduce themselves before later revealing the plot 397 view(s)
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