| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Sage (Free verse) by DreamerSupreme Quiet whispers
Sending slow shivers
While under covers
Slow visions of the past
Present, and future
The whirlwind of faces
Old places of battle
Like a calm serene field
Green and beautifull
But the scarred warrior
Can only see the mud
And blood seeping
Deep into the earth
From birth tormented
All his pain he
Could have prevented
Yet.. perhaps it was
A choice made for
Wise reasons
Lessons ingrained deep
Into my unconquered mind
All the tales and multicolored lives
I find
Bound to succeed at every cost
The raw spirit applied wisdom
And calm thought to itself
All has been won long ago
The illusion of time
Was what required the path
To play out
Up the ladder:
A Thought
Down the ladder:
Dictionary Magic Test Results (DMTR)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: June 28, 2003 7:20 AM PDT; Last modified: June 28, 2003 8:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7588 Comments:
[6]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
|
28-Jun-03/8:39 AM
|
Reply
Beautiful, has one l. Also, be careful that your poetry doesn't chase it's own tale.
Still flailing, a nice attempt but so cold. No emotional depth to give it some feeling. Feels like its written by a machine. Even though its not it reads quite banal. -4-
Emotional depth... ah well, ok, do me a favor and explain to me what you mean by that. Because, frankly it was not the poems mission to strike emotional feelings.. its mission was to induce philosophical/metaphysical thought. This usually doesn't require injecting the emotion potion into it, which might easily start to evolve the poems mission to induce thoughts of religion.
The reason it seems machine written, is because eastern mystic writings hold to a code of apathetical presentation.. due to the belief that emotion at times tends to suffocate the meaning of the mystical piece. So it expresses emotion without delving into intense emotional expression. OK? no offense taken as to your opinion, i dont get pissed with advice or criticism. BUT i do feel that one should try to understand the point of the poem and think perhaps why the poet wrote it in a certain way. I do agree, the poem reads quite banal, but it has to do with what it talks about. Compare my OM poem and this one, and you just might be surprised to see a relation. Oh yeah, dont forget explaining this emotional depth thing of yours to me, so i understand what you mean when you mention it.
Emotional depth. Connecting with your reader on some level emotionally so that they want to read on(or in some cases don't). It can be used wake your reader up from a state of complete apathy and boredom. Angry Poems when written correctly tend to have the most force for a response from the storage house of chemicals we call our brains(for a good one that was mostly negative feedback check out my 'Mom And Dad' or 'Bad Mood', both were a little to angst driven but anger almost drips from them). Love Poems(which are for the most part boring and so mindnumbingly the same that they don't tend to work for the desired effect unless the reader is in the right mood) can be good but Overall Humorish poems work the best. I liked your Yoda poem because it was Humorish. Humor no matter how angry, or upset, or whatever emotional state we are in tend to be able to lighten our moods.
There is nothing wrong with a Mystical poem but most of the good ones I've read tend to be shorter and ask simple questions with complex answers that provoke more complex questions. Yours while thought provoking ask in themselves multiple questions, and/or tend to be too discursive. Stick with one subject(please not religion or religious teaching I beg you) and focus on that without over doing it. Yeah descrition is a HUGE plus, but there is a point when your going too far and it subtracts from your meaning. philosophical/metaphysical thought (which is to religion to alot of people i.e. Buddist) doesn't have to be emotionless. Remember, Wonder is an emotional state too, and that is what you should be trying to get to. Might be a good Idea not to use words giving a sense of yourself pondering the questions you are possing. Such as "into MY unconquered mind". Just a tip, no offense but it adds redundancy to something that shouldn't have any. I hope that was of some helpful value cause if not, I can't really explain emotional depth any better. Its just a connection. Connections tend to keep things interesting because if done right they make what your saying have a life of its own that begs to run its course, and hopefully come to a nice tidy end.
Thanks for the well said explaination about emotional depth, I feel enlightened by it. About religion and religious teaching, have no worries, for I would only resort to using for example christian bible passages and would deftly twist and present a alternate interpretation.
Also, philosophy and metaphysics is _not_ religion. It is indeed true that metaphysics is perhaps the central pillar to eastern thought. Hindu and Buddhist texts include some of the most pure and well concieved concepts of metaphysics. But there is a difference between respecting and using these religions to study the concepts and practicing the religion. My basic philosophical theory spawns from pantheistic shamanism, along with metaprogramming (the mental programing of the mind and how to re-program it) and theoretical use of psychoactive substances to help go beyond normal reality programing and thought. Theres alot more that can be listed, but I'm not going to get deep into this, less I be a rambling insect. As to the injected sense of me pondering the questions, its more like I wished to present an image of calm reflection. But I will try to make another that doesn't present that type of presentation for perhaps a more direct approach. About it not needing to be emotionless, your right, it doesn't require it. But if you look into eastern metaphysical writings, you will come across alot that considers the power that emotion has over people, and how it will vary from person to person, which in result starts to change the true meaning of the mystical text. I don't deny the possibility of presenting the mystical via emotion would be perhaps a more powerfull media that would better attract readers and thinkers. I simply have a slight preference in my opinion concerning how I see it. Perhaps I'll attempt writing a mystic poem with a deeper emotional tone as an interesting challenge. Again, thanks for your input, it did indeed make me think. 233 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
