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Moon In My Blood (Free verse) by AtalantaPendragonne Woke from a dream of betrayal
I was bleeding
Hardly unexpected, this, but inconvienient nevertheless
I'm still in dream's shadow.
The elder brother I do not have has taken two new women.
They are unsuitable, I say. Their blood would not mix safely with ours.
His smile is dismissive, but they do not forget.
I am not so highly placed that I can afford enemies
Even my brother's concubines.
When I wake I am bleeding.
Bleeding, and I still see the shadow of their faces.
He says, it was only a dream.
Only a dream, and you have no elder brother.
The only brother you have is much younger, and far away besides.
Still I can hear the words I spoke in warning
The laughing denial in my brother's voice
The narrow plotting eyes of his women
My search for a hiding place.
When I wake I am bleeding.
Up the ladder:
route nine
Down the ladder:
Hansel & Gretel
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.375
Posted: February 27, 2003 11:21 AM PST; Last modified: February 27, 2003 11:21 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.638736 Overall Rank: 2141 Comments:
[n/a]
Fear of Garbage @ 64.56.113.60
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27-Feb-03/1:33 PM
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Reply
when i read this it made me think back to biblical times in israel, in the time of leah and rachel and jacob and of how the women would save their blood, using it as libations. how when they bleed they'd stay seperate from men and those men would take a few wives, some concubines. well done.
Well, you have your user name going for you, atleast. Do you know who atalanta was? i hope so. Otherwise you would just suck, bleeding or not.
By Jove what a surreal piece of lit. You do really need to be more precise with what you are trying to convey here. This could be a rich purse of sovereigns but you've not tied it. I do like the line 'when I awake I am bleeding' its quite affecting but one needs to improve the context and enlighten the reader more as to what the bloody point is. I will give you a 5 for effort but take your time when writing poems, lock on to the emotions that make sense or else no soul will know what your talking about.
I wish you well. God Speed !
Bah--a 5? FoG is right--you nailed the image of Biblical times really well, and the way you tell it--clear, simple, no stupid archaisms-- is perfectly suited to the story. Have a 10.
I have a hole im my toe that goes well with China.
Possibly it's my unChristianity holding me back, but I really have no idea what this is all about. 'Inconvenient' is misspelt. The ome of this is very well controlled, though it leaves me cold.
beautiful
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