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A Fathers Loss (Free verse) by Lanman427 A Fathers Loss
I remember the day my sweetheart was born
The joy I felt would never be gone
You came from me and you are my life
Though good times and bad, through all of life???s strife
I am sorry for a childhood that was not perfect
But I tried my best to give you my all
Please understand that I am also in pain
Not to be able to see you each day
Has cut me and made feel I am at a loss
What I would give to see you grow
Life goes by so quickly that???s one thing I know
I am your Father and I love you so
Whenever you need me just give me a call
Remember I am just a man and sometimes I fall
Up the ladder:
I thought I could fly
Down the ladder:
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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.3333333
Posted: January 12, 2003 6:34 AM PST; Last modified: January 12, 2003 6:34 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.6821256 Overall Rank: 12119 Comments:
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poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.20
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12-Jan-03/10:53 PM
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Reply
Sincerity gets you everything. Cannot not say too much about the craft here, but the sentiment is in the right place. It is just trying to find images to go with it. Maybe try to go back in to the lines and think about what you are saying and maybe try to create and image or a metaphor to convey those feelings. But on it's own, it is sweet at best.
Well, it's good to see this side of things, but it's all sentiment and no vision. How was the chidhood not perfect, how did you do your best? You need to give the reader images, not sentiment, the images impart the sentiment, that's how poetry works. You should give it another go. Try to discribe what has actually gone on. When's the last time you saw this child? Discribe that to me, the first time you saw her/him, what your hopes were, literally. A home? Laughter? Don't just say 'I had so much hope for us', blah, blah, blah.
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