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A Fathers Loss

Member since 2003 · Posted 12 Jan 2003 · 2 comments

A Fathers Loss I remember the day my sweetheart was born The joy I felt would never be gone You came from me and you are my life Though good times and bad, through all of life???s strife I am sorry for a childhood that was not perfect But I tried my best to give you my all Please understand that I am also in pain Not to be able to see you each day Has cut me and made feel I am at a loss What I would give to see you grow Life goes by so quickly that???s one thing I know I am your Father and I love you so Whenever you need me just give me a call Remember I am just a man and sometimes I fall

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2 comments

[n/a] poetandknowit 12-Jan-03/10:53 PM Reply

Sincerity gets you everything. Cannot not say too much about the craft here, but the sentiment is in the right place. It is just trying to find images to go with it. Maybe try to go back in to the lines and think about what you are saying and maybe try to create and image or a metaphor to convey those feelings. But on it's own, it is sweet at best.

[n/a] god'swife 18-Sep-03/10:53 AM Reply

Well, it's good to see this side of things, but it's all sentiment and no vision. How was the chidhood not perfect, how did you do your best? You need to give the reader images, not sentiment, the images impart the sentiment, that's how poetry works. You should give it another go. Try to discribe what has actually gone on. When's the last time you saw this child? Discribe that to me, the first time you saw her/him, what your hopes were, literally. A home? Laughter? Don't just say 'I had so much hope for us', blah, blah, blah.