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Prelude to a Legend (Free verse) by ThoughtfulSoul I'm startled not by the the darkness
that surrounds me, but the way my sub-
conscious has created this hell
What is my inner self trying to tell
me as I lay in this short death for 8 hours?
In this so called vision I always seem to be in
this dying forest with this light coming from
the little space between the trees.
This light that breaks through the bitter black of the forest is my only
compass throught this mess.
The light shines in small spaces, but it seems the light
with every dream is getting dimmer.
I try to escape this forest but with every step my aspiration of getting
out lessens.
I can feel myself giving in, and I know that with every dream
I feel more and more comfortable in this cold, isolated, horror of a
place.
The only thing keeping me from succumbing to this horrid place is the
shouts of my soul telling me I am stronger than this.
This light inside me tries to direct me in the right direction, but
sadly its tries falls on deaf ears.
But my soul will not give up on me and nor will I give up on myself
And soon I hope to be out of this forest and into the light, but is THIS
only a dream?
Up the ladder:
no cure
Down the ladder:
Spring Delight
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Posted: December 30, 2002 8:24 PM PST; Last modified: December 31, 2002 12:13 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0896473 Overall Rank: 6204 Comments:
[n/a]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.13
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30-Dec-02/9:22 PM
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Reply
How does light fall less on deaf ears than on the ears of the hearing? You seem like a passionate person, always necessary for a poet, but your poem is too much about what you feel, and too little about what happened. Life is a confusing and difficult thing, except of course those secret moments. What has your sub-conscience created? By the way, I think it's a bad idea to place a line break after 'sub'. How about just 'This light that brakes through the bitter black, is my only compass'?
Describe the forest, describe the light....is the forrest dense? is the light bright?...etc.
Try to crisp this up a bit by trimming the fat. I'm also a little lost on the form--are you trying to be a writer or a poet?
Regardless, you have a talent with words.
There are some great lines in here, but too much unnecessary description of feeling (as god'swife says). I can see that you'll make a good writer or poet if you try. This deserves a 7, ideas and images are there, they just need to be selected and emphasised more (yeah, I know, emotion's a bastard to get down onto paper, I can't do it very well. Actually I can't write poetry very well. Oh well.)
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