poemranker ::Danse by Limness

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Free verse № 29825

Danse

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Dec 2002 · Edited 12 Dec 2002 · 13 comments

In another poem, perhaps, I will tell you how, when I was younger, I wanted my eyes deeper set-- as they are now-- thinking it would make me look sexy; Or about the hill on the way home that holds a cemetery, and of macabre winter visions I had one day when I witnessed the quiet winter sun's warmth steam off the snow there and drift across the road into the neighborhood below, hushing the living with its soft, thick breath-- before the mothers of my high school friends were rested there, when the ornamental house with stained glass windows and that patina'd green dome set on the crest in a stand of hemlock was still a temple, and kept its still secrets; Or about the green inside my heart, greener than moss in March, softer than that springy cushion, but uncrumbling when tread upon. Another, time, perhaps. Now, take me in your arms, and glide me 'round the room, and let's forget everything but the laughing as we twirl.

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mean 5.50 weighted 5.13 rank 5522 views 206 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

13 comments

[10] horus8 11-Dec-02/7:33 PM Reply
okay.a
[9] deleted user 11-Dec-02/7:40 PM Reply
I agree w/ him, and sighed at everything except the very last line, which made teh poem cheaper somehow. Not the sentiment expressed, but the wording. thus, nine.
[n/a] Limness › deleted user 11-Dec-02/7:50 PM Reply
what would be better? 'whirl'? 'are caught in its sway'?
i am open to suggestion; this was a fast write, and will change, no doubt. the first line is a decade old; the rest is changed. so, speak...
[n/a] Limness › deleted user 12-Dec-02/11:56 AM Reply
sorry rebecca. i changed it, then changed it back. i like 'twirl'. can't help myself.
[9] deleted user › Limness 12-Dec-02/3:46 PM Reply
Oh, don't apologize. I'm just one person after all. :)
[n/a] ==Doylum › deleted user 12-Dec-02/4:12 PM Reply
are you? are you indeede? Or are you a pioneer, a revolutionary, in the mould of our great poet an nowits. Oui Jackhughs. Like my dearest birthmark i suspect you of subverting the form by being two people on the same username. Not for him (nor you) the humdrum common as muck mundanity of 2 or 3 username for one soul, no no for the masters there are 2 ghosts and 1 machine, sublime, sublime, one to write the poems, one to post the comments, genius!
[n/a] UnityMitford › deleted user 13-Dec-02/9:20 AM Reply
one person indeed! limness, she might be another katie, if you know what i mean.
[8] <~> › Limness 25-Apr-07/6:54 AM Reply
check
[n/a] god'swife 12-Dec-02/12:33 AM Reply
Get rid of 'it's sway' most importantly, also telling me you will tell me in some other poem turned my switch straight to off. Rough draft?
[n/a] UnityMitford › god'swife 12-Dec-02/11:22 AM Reply
i disagree with GW (george washington). to start a poem with "in another poem i'll tell you" and then go ahead and tell of those things anyhow is very effective. like the compulsion overtakes any poetic restraint or intention of poetic restraint. i would like the first stanza to be a bit longer and would be happy enough if the whole thing ended at "everything." top-shelf effort, limness, as you call yourself.
[n/a] Limness › god'swife 12-Dec-02/11:57 AM Reply
last line changed. unity hit it for why i started it that way.
[n/a] ecargo 12-Dec-02/12:09 PM Reply
Like the middle bits a lot, but the frame doesn't really work for me. My immediate reaction was "well, then, what are you going to tell me in this one?" and then you don't, you just dance around the room. Last stanza seems tacked on.
[n/a] INTRANSIT 12-Dec-02/4:02 PM Reply
I can offer nothing but smiles. Holding vote. Looking at secon place only to "unmending".