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missing time (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
I awake with premonition. panicked hand skids for paperscrap to record the last moments of this dream of missing time. my bare wrist crossed with hers faded blanket bunched arm jackknifed round the front curled fingers over pallid cheek placed like the careful arrangement of a Japanese print as she breathes through chapped lips, so perfect. tender lids darkened, in sleep. you seem new. i want to touch with one finger the soft swell under your chin when you've lost all rigidity no more angles of attack with your head to the pillow. in the madness of morning cold wind from the window streams down the wall where someone's cat sticks fluffy black paws through a gap in the door can I peel away day to lay bare the clutched core? there's no time there's no time. you're driving home today. wake up, buttercup you're late I blink twice and you're gone. in my head like a song.

Up the ladder: Persephone
Down the ladder: Signs and Wonders

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 102
.. 103
.. 43
.. 23
.. 20
.. 22
.. 02
.. 00
.. 11
.. 11
.. 75

Arithmetic Mean: 6.1311474
Weighted score: 6.1311474
Overall Rank: 1076
Posted: December 6, 2002 7:07 PM PST; Last modified: December 21, 2002 3:27 PM PST
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Comments:
[10] god'swife @ 209.178.177.167 | 6-Dec-02/11:51 PM | Reply
There is so much going on here, you really need to hold back, I know it's hard at your age. Trust me.


tender lids
Darkened in sleep.
You seem new.

Do not venture beyond that. It says everything.

Get rid of 'over' in stanza 2(otherwise perfect)

Also 'soon to bleed' in stanza one, you don't need it. Your emotion comes shining through. Trust the audience.

'Pouty' is also an un-needed adjective, 'perfect' says it all.

Complete 'morn' to morning.

I wish
I wis I could know you.


[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > god'swife | 7-Dec-02/8:19 AM | Reply
Thanks very much for the comments.
It's so hard to get rid of some words,
they are children in the brambles
with scratches and dirt
but beloved none the less.

I shall be merciless.

BTW you rock.
[10] god'swife @ 209.179.135.198 > Bill Z Bub | 7-Dec-02/12:11 PM | Reply
Nice edit. Those wonderful children need to be cut loose sometimes, they'll be back.
[10] ecargo @ 64.252.75.102 | 7-Dec-02/8:10 AM | Reply
Wonderful! I think GW offers good advice regarding stopping after "new" in S4--you make your point with "rigidity" and "attack" later. "Clutched core" and the morning-madness kitty attack under the door are excellent. Not sure about the fold/gold/old rhyme--I'd probably drop it. Really like this.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > ecargo | 7-Dec-02/8:16 AM | Reply
Okay, I'm going to take all the advice. Feel free to vote again!
Read me,
Love me,
Rank me.
So selfish
[9] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 7-Dec-02/12:21 PM | Reply
"clutched core" and the cats paw under the door, i love hearing a door open looking for a person , but finding a cat..this is a fabulous poem...careful, sweet, and aware! have a 9.e
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 7-Dec-02/10:44 PM | Reply
Aw shucks, y'all are makin me blush.
[2] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 9-Dec-02/11:24 AM | Reply
this is beautiful. i wasn't sure about the buttercup line, but, by god, it cinches it. you have skills. mad skills.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > <~> | 9-Dec-02/11:37 AM | Reply
coming from you, this is high praise indeed. now i really AM blushing!

But i still want to say "morn" instead of "morning". It just sounds better to my ear... Hrmm...
[2] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > Bill Z Bub | 9-Dec-02/11:44 AM | Reply
so, say it. who gives a fuck if it's arcane? if it's your vernacular (and it's mine) use it. i'm not one to kowtow to the "ugh-i-have-toget-my-dictionary-AGAIN" crowd. i don't throw too many curves, and the ones i do throw go mostly unnoticed, methinks. (yes, i do use that word in common speech. ask my friends.) so, make it 'morn' if that's what sounds right.

and, by the way, the scrap of paper bit at the beginning is spot on. do you know about the large-muscle-movement/brain chemistry changes that occur when brain function shifts? and that the chemical released by the muscles trigger it?
[10] razorgrin @ 192.197.142.13 | 9-Dec-02/12:15 PM | Reply
mad skillz. truly. rock forth good sir, and keep making my days a little better. The ebst way to ensure dream memorization is to mentally repeat "i will remember my dreams" as you fall asleep. When you wake up, lie still and try to remember as many details as you can before you try to get up and write it down. at least so claim all my books on the psychology of dreaming.
[10] god'swife @ 209.179.214.64 | 9-Dec-02/12:17 PM | Reply
What did you change? It sounds cleaner each time, but the last edit must of been very mininimal.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > god'swife | 9-Dec-02/9:20 PM | Reply
And I've changed it again. This time: "as careful as the arrangement" to "like the careful arangement" and "somebody's cat" became "someone's cat"
and I changed morning to morn. But then it seemed out of place, so I changed it back to morning again. Thouroughly modern.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.106 | 9-Dec-02/1:27 PM | Reply
Personally, I dig the mix of free verse splashed with rhyme. An enjoyable twist. The waking could be an artist, loved it.
[8] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 10-Dec-02/6:37 AM | Reply
Hey devildude this is your strongest so far in this book, so in your words 'i shall rate thee highly'
[8] New Life Drug @ 64.175.38.129 | 21-Dec-02/4:44 PM | Reply
This is very lovely
[9] wOrnella Mutiw @ 198.81.26.167 | 21-Dec-02/4:54 PM | Reply
you're music to my ears....9
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > wOrnella Mutiw | 21-Dec-02/5:07 PM | Reply
Thanks, for the praise, and the high mark.
Rate me
rate me
rate me
again.
[9] lexicon @ 207.175.232.211 | 21-Dec-02/11:19 PM | Reply
Wow, I really like this. I know the point of the "wake up" bit and that following it was to suddenly change the mood but it's too harsh a change to me. I think this poem should be ended at "you're late." *shrugs* just me...
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > lexicon | 21-Dec-02/11:24 PM | Reply
Thanks. I agree it's a sudden change. I'm definately not finished revising this one, so all comments are welcome. I like the last strophe too much to cut it. Maybe cut or modify the preceding lines... or add a segue?
Hoom Humm Hoom...
[9] Ranger @ 212.67.98.90 | 22-Dec-02/4:59 AM | Reply
Ah yes, possibly the best work today...have a nine.
[9] aliena @ 203.90.86.11 | 22-Dec-02/9:07 AM | Reply
Excellent!
[8] blkarakagain @ 198.85.27.95 | 22-Dec-02/10:57 AM | Reply
Awesome!
[9] INTRANSIT @ 65.58.43.190 | 22-Dec-02/3:34 PM | Reply
The "madness" stanza trips some how between wall and door? Close to perfection ,I'd say.
[10] corinacorrie @ 24.145.197.8 | 22-Jan-03/4:11 PM | Reply
I love it--- especially
"as she breathes/through chapped lips/so perfect."
[10] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.19.37 | 27-Jan-03/2:29 PM | Reply
I loved it. Don't change it no matter what anyone says.
[1] poetandknowit @ 65.101.213.227 | 28-Jan-03/11:30 PM | Reply
The flip flopping of voice and context is awkward. There a a few nice lines, but there is still work to be done here.
[6] Nanshe @ 67.84.174.185 | 23-Feb-03/8:51 PM | Reply
Nice reconstruction of a moment gone too soon.
[9] Mr Pig (again) @ 195.92.67.67 | 24-Feb-03/12:41 PM | Reply
Line 3 constricts the message, but ding dong well done on a fine piece my lord heres your mark ```9
[0] asimpleman @ 202.141.239.130 | 7-Apr-03/8:18 AM | Reply
Billy's got a gun.....just don't shoot urself
[9] Indigo @ 65.102.149.25 | 7-May-03/7:54 AM | Reply
Wow! a very evocative poem. One of the best I have read on this site.
[10] joydoll @ 195.93.33.11 | 20-May-03/3:48 AM | Reply
:) ....i dont think i need to add to that!
[9] Felzpoet @ 68.173.204.214 | 21-May-03/3:15 PM | Reply
wow tht really is good
i guess i have to listen when u give me advise now
great poem again now i see wut u mean by sayin u know how i felt
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > Felzpoet | 21-May-03/6:36 PM | Reply
Thanks.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > Bill Z Bub | 21-May-03/6:49 PM | Reply
I mean, "Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

(Forgot to stick with the Star Wars quotes.)
[n/a] dougsoderstrom @ 207.80.112.1 | 23-May-03/1:15 PM | Reply
Read Soderstrom's new poem (Theology)----it's great!
[9] capachijim @ 24.168.28.137 | 20-Jun-03/5:30 PM | Reply
wow, nice
[8] XangryXblondeX @ 24.48.133.175 | 22-Jun-03/12:26 PM | Reply
you have talent. thats all i can say.
[9] david @ 66.183.25.241 | 4-Jul-03/8:17 PM | Reply
The diction is mellifluous. I am particularly struck by the enjambment and how it seems to contribute to the overall feeling of how well-crafted the piece is.

The only thing I take issue with is the question posed in the ninth stanza. While the diction and intent match, it seems awkward enough there to interrupt the flow of the piece.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.182.9 > david | 5-Jul-03/5:51 AM | Reply
Thanks for the critique. I've revised this piece several times since this draft, but since it's in the top twenty, I don't want to wipe out all the votes.

~William Zanzibar Bubbington, Jr.
[10] EAger to Offend @ 65.95.229.57 | 13-Jul-03/3:25 PM | Reply
Well, this is humbling. The first read didn't thrill me but, the imagery brought me back...several times. Now it's "in my head like a song".

I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.

I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
[10] Druid_Girl_1984 @ 209.214.109.182 | 22-Jul-03/3:37 PM | Reply
ohh pretty. i like it. = )
[8] Hostileintent @ 159.134.54.108 | 14-Aug-03/6:30 AM | Reply
good use of imagery and emotion.creates a nice scene in the mind.i like it.

question:any chance you could review 2 of my peoms? 'Memory' and 'Incomplete'? i would really appreciate it
[0] sk8rs_rule_all @ 24.160.153.131 | 28-Aug-03/7:57 PM | Reply
i have no words to express my feelings, BUT I DO HAVE NUMBERS! 10, yay!


-im a spaz please dont pay attention to me-
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