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missing time (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
I awake
with premonition.
panicked hand
skids for paperscrap
to record the last moments
of this dream
of missing time.
my bare wrist crossed with hers
faded blanket bunched
arm jackknifed round the front
curled fingers
over pallid cheek placed
like the careful arrangement
of a Japanese print
as she breathes
through chapped lips,
so perfect.
tender lids
darkened, in sleep.
you seem new.
i want to touch
with one finger
the soft swell
under your chin
when you've lost
all rigidity
no more angles of attack
with your head
to the pillow.
in the madness of morning
cold wind from the window
streams down the wall
where someone's cat
sticks fluffy black paws
through a gap in the door
can I peel away day
to lay bare the clutched core?
there's no time
there's no time.
you're driving home today.
wake up, buttercup
you're late
I blink twice
and you're gone.
in my head
like a song.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.1311474
Weighted score: 6.1311474
Overall Rank: 1088
Posted: December 6, 2002 7:07 PM PST; Last modified: December 21, 2002 3:27 PM PST
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Comments:
594 view(s)
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tender lids
Darkened in sleep.
You seem new.
Do not venture beyond that. It says everything.
Get rid of 'over' in stanza 2(otherwise perfect)
Also 'soon to bleed' in stanza one, you don't need it. Your emotion comes shining through. Trust the audience.
'Pouty' is also an un-needed adjective, 'perfect' says it all.
Complete 'morn' to morning.
I wish
I wis I could know you.
It's so hard to get rid of some words,
they are children in the brambles
with scratches and dirt
but beloved none the less.
I shall be merciless.
BTW you rock.