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Iced (Free verse) by debased
looking out my window at my freshly frozen backyard I remember: the summers on my roller blades when the sun would bake my skin a deep olive give my hair warm golden kisses and light my eyes to a bright aqua I would go to the beach almost everyday swim until my lips turned purple and I could no longer ignored my hunger I would wrap my towel around me and walk for hours meeting strange boys and helping them build sea creatures in the sand memorise I long would fade so I may better accept the cold

Up the ladder: Selfish
Down the ladder: The final freedom of Jason

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Weighted score: 4.9205313
Overall Rank: 9408
Posted: November 30, 2002 1:48 PM PST; Last modified: December 7, 2002 5:02 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 2-Dec-02/12:54 AM | Reply
two problems: title and last sentence....titles weak, because it's not a tractor beam, and it should...and that's how you should end it...with....taking out "ever will"...cuz we all know it will. and put should.w
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 2-Dec-02/6:32 AM | Reply
your line breaks don't make sense--bring the colors up onto the lines they modify, unless you have a reason for isolating them...

and, what is it that makes you unhappy now? maybe close with that.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 2-Dec-02/9:26 AM | Reply
Sweet and mellifluent. But the turtles have to go (in england they mean something that rhymes with shit -oops i said it, but I quite liked this, nicely worded *7*
[n/a] debased @ 24.43.45.89 > Caducus | 2-Dec-02/4:34 PM | Reply
thank you for all your comments i'll try to make some improvements
lol i ll see what i can do about the turtles
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