DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Selfish

Member since 2002 · Posted 28 Oct 2002 · Edited 29 Oct 2002 · 6 comments

Screaming on the road white knuckles squeeze deep. impact, shards of glass then sleep. eyes staring into a jail cell foretelling a premonition scraping fate's shell. cry your sour tears and lock the door. lock out the guilt and distract with routine. the moans fade lower. apologize, sympathize and wait. premeditation silence is close. sacrifice for my convenience with each chance I disregard. my bed is made I am content another victom to resent. now the silence screams reaction. a shallow grave to bury my fate never regard as a person only a mistake. the flashing lights interrogate my soul. only now caught I see what I stole.

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3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

6 comments

[6] Tintagiles 29-Oct-02/9:09 AM Reply

Not bad. Not bloody bad at all. Just one little thing, 'foretell' is the verb. The noun is 'fortelling'. I.e., 'A foretell' makes no sense.

[n/a] darby pyn › Tintagiles 29-Oct-02/12:45 PM Reply

thank you tintagiles. I'll try to fix it.

[n/a] <~> 29-Oct-02/12:51 PM Reply

also, switch the order of the first 2 lines. knuckles will be white before the crash, laddie.

[n/a] darby pyn › <~> 29-Oct-02/6:38 PM Reply

not bad. I didn't think it would fit well if I
swiched it. I was wrong.

[n/a] <~> › darby pyn 29-Oct-02/6:43 PM Reply

glad i could help. i think it's tenser, tighter now, and that definitely works here.

question: what's up with the shallow grave? just being a drama king/queen?

[n/a] darby pyn › <~> 30-Oct-02/11:39 AM Reply

the shallow grave is an actual " shallow grave"
the poem is about a true story.
this woman in florida. hit this man on the road. instead
of taking him to the hospital she drove home with him still
on the hood. pulled into her garage and waited for him to
die. then she and some friends burried him. I forgot how they
caught her. this was about 3 years ago.