Poemranker [Poem: Absence] [by newdawnfades] Thu Nov 21 14:12:21 PST 2024

Only in absence will I know how the bird feels, gliding over the tall tree. Only in absence will I know how to dream with eyes that do not blink. Absence is like an old abandoned house. Entering an empty room with an empty chair, stepping over the dust of old footprints where might solitary foots once tread. Only absence can show me how to be without form, without meaning, without life, without death. I once met absence on a rocky ridge on a bright clear day without mind, without sound, without I, without you, only absence. He stood there on a worn trail suffocating, choking me like some poor helpless infant. I thought I had died there but I woke, finally knowing how the bird feels.

[1] poetandknowit @ 65.101.213.132 | 19-Nov-02/4:11 PM | Reply

Well, I suppose it is better than writing to feel dead. At least if you did that, this would be a better attempt. You know, Christof has a ton of poems about birds. Look him up. Plus, he has never had a mullet.

[n/a] newdawnfades @ 152.163.189.171 > poetandknowit | 19-Nov-02/4:19 PM | Reply

Thanks for the reply, but be specific. What would make this a better attempt? Any constructive criticism is welcome. :) BTW, this is by no means a finished product. Lines 7-10 interrupt the flow of the poem, but I haven't thought of a replacement yet. I'll check Christof's stuff out.

Ha! I don't imagine the mullet ratio is very high on this site, thank God.

[1] poetandknowit @ 65.101.213.132 > newdawnfades | 19-Nov-02/4:39 PM | Reply

I am a firm beliver in simplified language to get the point across, but at time I think the language her is too simplified: "tall tree" (wouldn't we somewhat assume the tree is tall?). "rocky ridge on a bright clear day" - not only is this passage a bit over simplified but it is vague. And then you give absence a gender. What are your referring to? god? Did the narrator fall and get knocked out? It is just confusing, And the beginning images do not seem to connect with the meeting of. Make sense? I am more interested to know what happened on the rocky ridge, in concise images that brought you to the realizations you are making in the front of the poem.

[n/a] newdawnfades @ 172.153.182.27 > poetandknowit | 19-Nov-02/7:34 PM | Reply

Good point about the oversimplification, I guess when I wrote it that wasn't really a consideration as much as the purpose of the poem. This poem was actually based on an experience I had hiking in the mountains by myself. There were a number of trees in the woods, but one very tall tree that this bird was circling, I guess I got a little lazy with my description on that one. The gender didn't really matter, it was more that I wanted to personify absence. The absence was so real that day that I felt confronted by it. My intent was for the poem to be somewhat ambiguous, as I prefer the poem to be applicable in any way the reader interprets it, so that could be a question of taste. But I can totally relate with your feeling of discontinuity when reading it. It came across that way to me also. Thanks for the input.

[2] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > poetandknowit | 20-Nov-02/2:44 PM | Reply

psst...he doesn't have hair (much)!

[8] -=SeTTle=- @ 140.186.47.113 | 19-Nov-02/10:34 PM | Reply

IF IT WORKS KEEP IT IF NOT CHANGE IT. THERE ARE NO HARD AND FAST RULES TO ANYTHING WORTHWHILE. FURTHERMORE, JOY DIVISION FUCKING ROCKS THE FUCKING WORLD.

[1] poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.182 > -=SeTTle=- | 19-Nov-02/10:36 PM | Reply

Have you had a sudden musical epiphany?