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Hve you ever..... v2 (Free verse) by INTRANSIT Have you ever driven through
a downpour, and inches of standing water?
Or through a snowstorm that made
everything invisible?
Or in a traffic jam that made
you clutch till you were sore?
If you have, then I welcome you,
to the top of the cliff.
And you may descend into the
widening valley below.
You will drive into the sun
and be greeted by the hawk.
You will drive into the moon
and be chased by the mice...
For you are home now.
And your journey is just beginning.
Up the ladder:
SO
Down the ladder:
Youth Fair
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.2
Posted: October 28, 2002 2:25 PM PST; Last modified: November 5, 2002 2:57 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0238404 Overall Rank: 7381 Comments:
[n/a]
<~> @ 167.206.181.179
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29-Oct-02/12:12 PM
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Reply
is this the one you thought was better?
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 32.102.20.76
> <~>
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29-Oct-02/12:19 PM
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Reply
Yes. And these stupid t\s computers are waylaying my pocketbook something fierce. Poemranker has become an addiction to me. Albeit a healthy one.
[n/a]
<~> @ 167.206.181.179
> INTRANSIT
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29-Oct-02/12:21 PM
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Reply
you can surf fo' free at the public library... much less than kinko's at .16/min...
the problem with this one is that it tells. i have no issue with a good bitch session now and again, and you've certainly earned one, but this one comes across as a litany of complaints about soul-shattering vignettes that are written off as unimportant. it spells everything out. it says, 'do i *have* to' or 'when are we going to *be* there'? it's whiny when you want it to be lonely. that's my take.
Kinkos would be cheap compared to this animal. Actually, I was going for the small personal battles that seem like big ones at the time, transitioning over to the... actually I think I see what you are saying. I kind of feel like I'm putting dollars in your g-string right now, ha ha.
well, i see the small trials angle of it, but you are complaining about them. now, as for the g-string, that's a nice thought, but i mostly 'go commando'.
Au naturel is best! This needs, shortening, maybe? too much stuff is a little overwhelming,yes>?
this feel like it wants to be 'may the road always rise to meet you' in flavor, but it's too uneven. needs more cohesive structuring, and less fragmented thinking. make it more lyrical, if that is the effect you were going for...
Soooooo, returning was just a practice run huh? Now the work really begins. I feel you leering over my shouder, but I asked for it. hooooboy.
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