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Colloid (Free verse) by skaskowski
As it rains outside The drops are like tiny fragments of water Falling like objects that are dropped... Inside the house, The fireplace crackles With a sound like burning flakes of wood. Inside my chest, My heart beats Like a routinely contracting muscle. Outside my chest The light bulb glares Like a radiant object of luminousity. Outside the house The thunder echoes Like a great booming of atmospheric origin. Above the cloud The moon still shines Like an object reflecting sunlight. Inside my brain I feel a thought Like a synapse firing an electric charge And i hear the sound of a car Rolling away like an object on wheels...

Up the ladder: Math Poem
Down the ladder: Macaroni and Cheese

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.965517
Weighted score: 4.9656024
Overall Rank: 8510
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Modulo @ | 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM | Reply
I like it, because it's true.
[0]... anonymous @ | 16-Jul-01/7:01 PM | Reply
The likening of an object or thing to exactly what it is is somewhat irritating, yet strangely compelling. I think I like it, but I'm not quite sure...
[0]... anonymous @ | 24-Jul-01/12:53 PM | Reply
your heart IS a routinely contracting muscle - that is not a comparison. Same with the moon shining like an object reflecting sunlight, thought=synapse firing....ah, you've done this with all your "comparisons" - was that the point?
[4] Jill Stockinger @ | 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM | Reply
Going somewhere but not reached it yet...
[n/a] nentwined @ | 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM | Reply
this is hilarious :)
[0]... anonymous @ | 9-Apr-02/1:40 AM | Reply
Mmm mmm good. --Piano
[0]... anonymous @ | 10-May-02/5:39 PM | Reply
Wow, comparing the heart to "a routinely contracting muscle." Awesome!
[3] ErgoErgun @ 216.144.194.247 | 13-May-02/12:21 AM | Reply
Every word should have meaning to the integrity of the poem.
"As it rains outside
The drops are like tiny fragments of water
Falling like objects that are dropped..."

Telling me in a banal way what rain is isn't going to get you high marks. Remember to cut out everything that isn't needed, and say what is needed in the most beautiful way possible (that includes the obscene only when called for).
[5] GAC @ 206.72.46.253 | 8-Jul-02/7:33 AM | Reply
As far as freeform goes, this isn't bad. However, the comparisons in the poem aren't really comparisons--they really are those things.
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 9-Aug-02/11:25 PM | Reply
lol! i will smoke a fatty and agree..what a riot!l
[10] god'swife @ 67.73.35.29 | 13-Oct-03/1:51 PM | Reply
This is great. What a wonderful idea.
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