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Premarital Sex (Zombie Fantasy) (Free verse) by Sigh'ense...
Through his naked eye she seems so vibrant. But perversion is revealed as truth is understood. Still he pursues with selfish ambition, Eating away at his own perseverance, wishing he could. Ignoring her rotting physique and fatal sensuality, His spiritual mind's eye is blinded by desire, So using ecstasy as morality's pacifier. He now embarks the wrong course, Rebutting her body as a spiritual corpse. Replacing his Godly fear with tactics so diviner, Enticed without remorse. He passionately slips himself into her lifeless vessel, Ensnared by natural inclination, Now realizing the error of this imprudent penetration. Her carcass stinks of the world as she temporarily moans in response, Lost in liberty, he prays for the prohibited recognition Taken because of his impatient mistrust. Clutching her waste the prospect of life is ejaculated from his soul, His limbs weaken and his tear ducts erupt, as his heart crumbles returning to dust. Da1 Osborne

Up the ladder: Disbeliever
Down the ladder: untitled

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.125
Weighted score: 4.764676
Overall Rank: 11404
Posted: October 20, 2002 3:17 AM PDT; Last modified: October 20, 2002 3:17 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.228 | 20-Oct-02/2:58 PM | Reply
Not that I know a whole lot about poetry, my reccomendations are:
Delete "penetration" and "ejaculation" I think less is more with this work. I also think you can say the same thing and get the same result with half the material. Just my opinion. 6
[n/a] Shin-Bojangles @ 198.164.188.245 | 20-Oct-02/5:02 PM | Reply
Ewww!
[2] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 21-Oct-02/11:17 AM | Reply
you judge. why? leave that to the cotton mathers of the world. if you are going to abandon yourself to it, do so. you're not shockong anyone, except maybe shin.
[9] Dreammaker1024 @ 68.40.124.186 | 9-Dec-02/7:03 PM | Reply
moving
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 11-Dec-02/7:29 PM | Reply
i would end after ejaculated, dal.n
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