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night owl (4) (Senryu) by elementalidad
lay man prays but quietly hates the next day

Up the ladder: Fine Line

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 8.5
Weighted score: 5.1659904
Overall Rank: 5083
Posted: September 26, 2008 5:25 PM PDT; Last modified: September 26, 2008 5:25 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] elementalidad @ 190.154.63.211 | 26-Sep-08/5:25 PM | Reply
bethy, your comment sparked me. thanks.
[9] Bethy @ 165.154.46.167 | 26-Sep-08/5:33 PM | Reply
very good...I have never really been a big fan of Senryu, however, you make it easy to like.
[8] Dovina @ 68.183.245.65 | 28-Sep-08/7:45 PM | Reply
you could leave out - but. Makes it more open, seems
[n/a] elementalidad @ 190.154.63.211 | 29-Sep-08/6:38 AM | Reply
i suppose i could nip the but, however I think I'd have to either change the tense of "quietly hates" accordingly or insert a forced pause (-) after prays to make sense in english, no? what do you think?

lay man prays-
quietly hates
the next day

lay man prays
quietly hating
the next day
154 view(s)




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