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Liar (Free verse) by Roisin
I see her howling hysterical head flung back, shrieking, teeth exposed. A pink, truthless tongue protrudes from That mouth. Bitch. Bent over her desk, tan leather limbs Almost brushing hers, the sickening shadow. My breath comes out in quick, hot puffs. The misty window screams at my gloved touch. His fingers snake over her left hand. Glinting gold and diamond Suffocated by sin. Shaking, I squeeze the trigger.

Up the ladder: freedom for all
Down the ladder: a voice poem

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.0
Weighted score: 5.476812
Overall Rank: 2780
Posted: November 16, 2007 9:45 AM PST; Last modified: September 20, 2011 8:44 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 | 18-Nov-07/7:17 AM | Reply
I would make the first stanza four lines and give -bitch- its own.

I think you can lose -glinting and move suffocated by sin up. I'd also like ahint as to who is catching the hot lead.

hope that helps.
[10] Skamper @ 58.171.227.135 | 19-Nov-07/7:26 PM | Reply
In agreement with intransit - bitch needs it's own line

who gets the lead - I would like to think it's a suicide, a point made, a final thrust of guilt.

Nice work, shady and direct.
[10] wDaphnew @ 85.210.7.225 | 25-Sep-11/11:53 AM | Reply
Very good and butch! Please accept my invitation to join MY new poetry site:
http://newpoetryshared.proboards.com
[7] Dovina @ 208.127.227.170 | 2-Nov-11/5:38 PM | Reply
not bad
[10] Skamper @ 124.181.76.40 | 9-Jun-12/5:33 AM | Reply
i could eat this with a spoon...yum
[7] Dovina @ 67.121.235.241 > Skamper | 9-Jun-12/8:48 PM | Reply
Wow, somebody came in the door who makes good comments, who makes any comments, who comes in the door, who exists.
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