Replying to a comment on:

Liar (Free verse) by Roisin

I see her howling hysterical head flung back, shrieking, teeth exposed. A pink, truthless tongue protrudes from That mouth. Bitch. Bent over her desk, tan leather limbs Almost brushing hers, the sickening shadow. My breath comes out in quick, hot puffs. The misty window screams at my gloved touch. His fingers snake over her left hand. Glinting gold and diamond Suffocated by sin. Shaking, I squeeze the trigger.

INTRANSIT 18-Nov-07/7:17 AM
I would make the first stanza four lines and give -bitch- its own.

I think you can lose -glinting and move suffocated by sin up. I'd also like ahint as to who is catching the hot lead.

hope that helps.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001