poemranker ::Some poems by INTRANSIT

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Other № 154340

Some poems

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 3 Nov 2007 · Edited 5 Nov 2007 · 10 comments

Some poems get stuck in the fallopian tubes. Some spend their entire lives in the I.C.U. But some, very few, slide right on out and through their swaddling cloth grab the 'scope, assert: "Hiya Doc ! How are you ?" Snap the nurse on her wazoo and declare: "See ya suckers! I'm off to the Louvre"

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mean 6.33 weighted 5.16 rank 5114 views 229 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

10 comments

[10] Skamper 3-Nov-07/10:24 PM Reply
perfect last line - love it when reading one that hits ya just like that.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Skamper 4-Nov-07/5:23 AM Reply
Did you notice any hiccups in the rhythm ? That's what I'm most worried about at this point. Thanks.
[10] Skamper › INTRANSIT 4-Nov-07/4:03 PM Reply
I found reading without "then" at the beginning of the 10th line rolls easier. I would also give "very few" it's own line. Rhythm seems fine to me although my own brain wants to add 'on' between 'right' and 'out', end the line there and put 'and through' on it's own line, but I'm sure I'll get over that. Rhythm is such a personal thing, am curious now to see what others think...
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Skamper 5-Nov-07/5:26 AM Reply
Gonna try those changes. Let's see.
[10] Skamper › INTRANSIT 6-Nov-07/7:16 PM Reply
Yep, looks great, sounds great...thanks for listening. :)
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Skamper 6-Nov-07/8:21 PM Reply
Listening is the key to poetry, no? Gotta get my ears tuned somehow. Thanks for the help !
[9] Dovina 4-Nov-07/5:42 PM Reply
Yeah, got a few stuck the tubes. Prefer a more descriptive title; I mean describing the good ones in some cute way. Like it a lot.
[9] deleted user 11-Nov-07/2:20 AM Reply
This is good INTRANSIT. Something any good writer should be able to relate to. The rhythm seems fine to me. Nice work.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › deleted user 11-Nov-07/6:18 PM Reply
Thank you. Credit Skamper for the final adjustments.
[10] sliver 12-Nov-07/6:00 PM Reply
Well done INTRANSIT, Well done. I can certainly relate to the I.C.U. part. Another well deserved ten for you. I haven't been around for a while but if time permits I'll read a few more of yours.