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Some poems (Other) by INTRANSIT Some poems
get stuck in the fallopian tubes.
Some spend
their entire lives in the I.C.U.
But some,
very few, slide right on out
and through
their swaddling cloth
grab the 'scope, assert:
"Hiya Doc ! How are you ?"
Snap the nurse on her wazoo
and declare:
"See ya suckers! I'm off to the Louvre"
Up the ladder:
Spanish Patio at Old Mission Inn
Down the ladder:
A Hick's Rendition of "Fire and Ice"
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Posted: November 3, 2007 8:05 AM PDT; Last modified: November 5, 2007 5:28 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.1589375 Overall Rank: 5123 Comments:
[10]
Skamper @ 58.171.33.243
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3-Nov-07/10:24 PM
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Reply
perfect last line - love it when reading one that hits ya just like that.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197
> Skamper
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4-Nov-07/5:23 AM
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Reply
Did you notice any hiccups in the rhythm ? That's what I'm most worried about at this point. Thanks.
[10]
Skamper @ 58.171.61.157
> INTRANSIT
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4-Nov-07/4:03 PM
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Reply
I found reading without "then" at the beginning of the 10th line rolls easier. I would also give "very few" it's own line. Rhythm seems fine to me although my own brain wants to add 'on' between 'right' and 'out', end the line there and put 'and through' on it's own line, but I'm sure I'll get over that. Rhythm is such a personal thing, am curious now to see what others think...
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197
> Skamper
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5-Nov-07/5:26 AM
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Reply
Gonna try those changes. Let's see.
[10]
Skamper @ 58.171.165.232
> INTRANSIT
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6-Nov-07/7:16 PM
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Reply
Yep, looks great, sounds great...thanks for listening. :)
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197
> Skamper
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6-Nov-07/8:21 PM
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Reply
Listening is the key to poetry, no? Gotta get my ears tuned somehow. Thanks for the help !
Yeah, got a few stuck the tubes. Prefer a more descriptive title; I mean describing the good ones in some cute way. Like it a lot.
This is good INTRANSIT. Something any good writer should be able to relate to. The rhythm seems fine to me. Nice work.
Thank you. Credit Skamper for the final adjustments.
Well done INTRANSIT, Well done. I can certainly relate to the I.C.U. part. Another well deserved ten for you. I haven't been around for a while but if time permits I'll read a few more of yours.
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