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guilt (Free verse) by eunique
a beautiful song that faded though i really wanted to familiarize myself with melody repeating over and over bridge to chorus yet never complete snapped my fingers trying to recall it is a shame i really would have searched under the covers, on top of shelves in every page of every book maybe i tucked you in there i never did look i substituted you for other songs that were more accessible though the phone is beside me and the bus ride is actually short it must be quite an experience to know you more to decipher you how you waited for me to find you how you were composed for me how you keep knocking at my door throwing stones at my window or could that be guilt but i never listened as if wanting you to do fade maybe without "as if"

Up the ladder: Captured Moment
Down the ladder: Stealth Assassin (draft)

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Weighted score: 4.9602656
Overall Rank: 8675
Posted: July 26, 2007 6:25 AM PDT; Last modified: July 26, 2007 6:25 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 192.220.136.137 | 27-Jul-07/1:49 PM | Reply
maybe i tucked you in there
i never did look
i substituted you for other songs

--I think you should cut out the 'I's-:

might have tucked you in there..
never did look, substituted you
for other songs
---

Just a suggestion. I'm just biased against the word I.. that and when it's used repeditivly it rings of anathema going super nova in my rectum.

Blessed with an eight.


[n/a] eunique @ 124.104.9.96 > SupremeDreamer | 27-Jul-07/4:55 PM | Reply
that's a very unfortunate reaction might i say. yes, it would've made it more intresting without the 'I'
but i figure they were rather minimised at this point? plus it makes it more personal.
nevertheless, my utmost gratitude for your comment.
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 192.220.136.137 | 27-Jul-07/1:50 PM | Reply
Btw, a better title would be in order as well...
[n/a] eunique @ 124.104.9.96 | 27-Jul-07/4:00 PM | Reply
thanks. i'll work on that on the next.
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