Replying to a comment on:

guilt (Free verse) by eunique

a beautiful song that faded though i really wanted to familiarize myself with melody repeating over and over bridge to chorus yet never complete snapped my fingers trying to recall it is a shame i really would have searched under the covers, on top of shelves in every page of every book maybe i tucked you in there i never did look i substituted you for other songs that were more accessible though the phone is beside me and the bus ride is actually short it must be quite an experience to know you more to decipher you how you waited for me to find you how you were composed for me how you keep knocking at my door throwing stones at my window or could that be guilt but i never listened as if wanting you to do fade maybe without "as if"

SupremeDreamer 27-Jul-07/1:49 PM
maybe i tucked you in there
i never did look
i substituted you for other songs

--I think you should cut out the 'I's-:

might have tucked you in there..
never did look, substituted you
for other songs
---

Just a suggestion. I'm just biased against the word I.. that and when it's used repeditivly it rings of anathema going super nova in my rectum.

Blessed with an eight.






Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001