| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
the doorman (Free verse) by nessness gray eyes lend indifference to the world.
red coat with gold trim
doesn'
t match his stony face.
the people come and go
all so different they
become
individual drops in one vast sea
alike--
the beautiful
the matronly
the human race.
all leave their keys at the door
and
once in a while remember
to express gratitude to
the doorman.
Up the ladder:
B-Side
Down the ladder:
Conversations with a Clock II
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.9
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:14 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:14 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.8573165 Overall Rank: 1548 Comments:
[n/a]
deleted user @
|
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
|
Reply
I'd cut off first line before "to the world." Also, some qualitative judgement seems appropriate on the second line -- ie, gay red coat and... or party red... or something (perhaps). MAtronly/beutiful -- what about masculine? Good job.
That's how I would picture God minus the stony face.
almost, but doesn't quite work for me.
I quite like this, but there's not enough. 6. I'd just got into it, and it ended. Write more next time; I'd like to see what you have to say for yourself in a longer piece.
137 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
