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A Spring bird in November (Edit) (Other) by Sasha
Sliding on hard and icy skies                    A bird of springtime plies                  The air whose cold forebodes              A winter with its building breeze.        The bird in elegant unease Heads southward, slow as feet on unclear roads.                                                                                     All warmth to it's a distant myth.        No friend to shiver with,        No guide but weary eyes,    It's making one last-ditch attempt    Before December's cold contempt Kills this procrastinator of the skies.

Down the ladder: writer's block

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.285714
Weighted score: 5.8836646
Overall Rank: 1518
Posted: November 9, 2004 12:23 PM PST; Last modified: November 10, 2004 12:28 PM PST
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Plaidypus

Comments:
[9] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 | 10-Nov-04/12:26 AM | Reply
The definite articles throughout - but especially in the first line - are hideous and a waste of space. With the same syllables I could have said, oh, I don't know,

Against flat, skin-white winter skies,
Against glass-hard November skies,
On unforgiving surfaced skies,

- and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the".

And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".
[n/a] horus8 @ 198.81.26.49 > zodiac | 10-Nov-04/4:04 PM | Reply
Enbrowned bird
[9] edpeterson @ 68.79.60.123 | 10-Nov-04/9:01 AM | Reply
i have to agree with Jimmy Z on this one, though I doubt i would have noticed myself, otherwise.

What you have is really good.
[n/a] horus8 @ 198.81.26.16 | 10-Nov-04/4:03 PM | Reply
A fistfull of fuck.
[9] sliver @ 63.190.80.133 | 10-Nov-04/11:17 PM | Reply
I especially like the comparison,unclear roads...
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