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A Spring bird in November (Edit) (Other) by Sasha
Sliding on hard and icy skies    Â
      A bird of springtime plies   Â
      The air whose cold forebodes   Â
    A winter with its building breeze.
    The bird in elegant unease
Heads southward, slow as feet on unclear roads.
                        Â
          Â
   Â
  All warmth to it's a distant myth.
    No friend to shiver with,
    No guide but weary eyes,
  It's making one last-ditch attempt
  Before December's cold contempt
Kills this procrastinator of the skies.
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Arithmetic Mean: 8.285714
Weighted score: 5.8836646
Overall Rank: 1521
Posted: November 9, 2004 12:23 PM PST; Last modified: November 10, 2004 12:28 PM PST
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Plaidypus
Comments:
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Against flat, skin-white winter skies,
Against glass-hard November skies,
On unforgiving surfaced skies,
- and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the".
And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".