Replying to a comment on:

A Spring bird in November (Edit) (Other) by Sasha

Sliding on hard and icy skies                    A bird of springtime plies                  The air whose cold forebodes              A winter with its building breeze.        The bird in elegant unease Heads southward, slow as feet on unclear roads.                                                                                     All warmth to it's a distant myth.        No friend to shiver with,        No guide but weary eyes,    It's making one last-ditch attempt    Before December's cold contempt Kills this procrastinator of the skies.

zodiac 10-Nov-04/12:26 AM
The definite articles throughout - but especially in the first line - are hideous and a waste of space. With the same syllables I could have said, oh, I don't know,

Against flat, skin-white winter skies,
Against glass-hard November skies,
On unforgiving surfaced skies,

- and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the".

And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".




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