Re: Chicken Tonight by Bazilla	28-Dec-03/3:06 AM
Could be cute I guess...depending on the way it's arranged...but lyrically, standing on it's own, it's just a bit too odd for my taste. (but then, that's only my taste...)
Re: untitled #2 by darby pyn	28-Dec-03/3:17 AM
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines “You wear your ego like a cape”, and “you smile like a new disguise afraid to look me in the eyes.” And “like a rose with too much sun petals wither an come undone” A couple of suggestions: It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too): You wear your ego like a cape. a regal cloak, a vane escape. You[r] smile, like a new [disguise] afraid to look me in the eyes. From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.
Re: ritual of now intensified by nentwined	8-Apr-04/5:01 PM
I really like this one. A couple of comments: - L1 - the repetition of "press" kind of sticks for me...maybe 'sink the plunger' or some such? - L2 & 3 are awesome together - L4 maybe strike 'act'? I like it with just 'ritual' - L6 'mystical hypodermic' - while I generally dislike the word 'mystical' i like it here. feels very...coffee house to me. - L7 strike "brown"? 'Russet on its own is great - L8 'tasting themselves' awesome! - L9 what about 'held the cup up'...to my face feels obvious to me - L10 'warmth tingles' what about 'warm tingles'? All in all I love it! Don't mind the comments above, don't think you need to worry about the opinion of cricket girl...*bleh*! =o)
Re: Oh No! by foothangingoutofass	8-Apr-04/5:16 PM
OW MY EYE!
Re: Recognition by nentwined	7-Dec-04/10:26 AM
As always, razor sharp and clean. Amazing what stress does for the inspiration eh?