on Recognition by nentwined
7 Dec 2004, 10:26 AM
As always, razor sharp and clean. Amazing what stress does for the inspiration eh?
on Oh No! by foothangingoutofass
8 Apr 2004, 5:16 PM
OW MY EYE!
on ritual of now intensified by nentwined
8 Apr 2004, 5:01 PM
I really like this one. A couple of comments:
- L1 - the repetition of "press" kind of sticks for me...maybe 'sink the plunger' or some such?
- L2 & 3 are awesome together
- L4 maybe strike 'act'? I like it with just 'ritual'
- L6 'mystical hypodermic' - while I generally dislike the word 'mystical' i like it here. feels very...coffee house to me.
- L7 strike "brown"? 'Russet on its own is great
- L8 'tasting themselves' awesome!
- L9 what about 'held the cup up'...to my face feels obvious to me
- L10 'warmth tingles' what about 'warm tingles'?
All in all I love it! Don't mind the comments above, don't think you need to worry about the opinion of cricket girl...*bleh*! =o)
- L1 - the repetition of "press" kind of sticks for me...maybe 'sink the plunger' or some such?
- L2 & 3 are awesome together
- L4 maybe strike 'act'? I like it with just 'ritual'
- L6 'mystical hypodermic' - while I generally dislike the word 'mystical' i like it here. feels very...coffee house to me.
- L7 strike "brown"? 'Russet on its own is great
- L8 'tasting themselves' awesome!
- L9 what about 'held the cup up'...to my face feels obvious to me
- L10 'warmth tingles' what about 'warm tingles'?
All in all I love it! Don't mind the comments above, don't think you need to worry about the opinion of cricket girl...*bleh*! =o)
on untitled #2 by darby pyn
28 Dec 2003, 3:17 AM
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines âYou wear your ego like a capeâ, and âyou smile
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the
eyes.â And âlike a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undoneâ
A couple of suggestions:
It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too):
You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak, a vane escape.
You[r] smile, like a new [disguise]
afraid to look me in the eyes.
From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the
eyes.â And âlike a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undoneâ
A couple of suggestions:
It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too):
You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak, a vane escape.
You[r] smile, like a new [disguise]
afraid to look me in the eyes.
From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.
on Chicken Tonight by Bazilla
28 Dec 2003, 3:06 AM
Could be cute I guess...depending on the way it's arranged...but lyrically, standing on it's own, it's just a bit too odd for my taste. (but then, that's only my taste...)