Melanie McLean, As far as I can ascertain, Is the best looking Tory In the whole campaign. She treats the poor with disdain And would all immigrants detain In an island somewhere off Spain. Long may she reign! The other parties look mundane: The Lib Dem candidate is very plain, And the Labour girl is as big as a train. If Mel was not standing, I would abstain. If she loses, we'll complain And to the railings ourselves we shall chain Although 'twill cause us physical pain, For her defeat on democracy will be a stain. If she wins, we'll drink champagne And bring out the strippers to entertain The rich who'll vote for her again In return for a few wraps of free cocaine.