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From Treehouse To Factory (Free verse) by Shardik
Those were spare mornings of boundless energy Skipped breakfasts, and hardly enough clothing To layer myself against the sky, and its endless blue bending roll with the black outside of it. Stepping on nails, and turning trash into play The neighborhood boys pick sides, draw straws Pile up ammo, rocks, shingles, glass, cuss words and premature fruit to hurl at one another 'till dark. Or blood... Curiosity killed the cat, but 'twas the rats that brought it back. There are only so many holes to dig in a Summer. Only so many elbows and knees to scab before it's time to eat, and forget. But that was the Summer I got my first pair of boots and started smoking in the orange grove with the older boys in Ozzy shirts. That was also the year my friend fell out of the tree house and never walked again. Lying there like a small bird that had just flown into a window We drew a tight circle around him, then numbly, We all went home having earned nothing.

Up the ladder: 32 Truths and 1 Lie
Down the ladder: ritual of now intensified

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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10  .. 70
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.6923075
Weighted score: 6.9682345
Overall Rank: 122
Posted: April 19, 2004 11:36 AM PDT; Last modified: April 19, 2004 2:21 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] deleted user @ 68.66.196.168 | 19-Apr-04/11:57 AM | Reply
A nicely told boyhood story. Bravo!
[10] zodiac @ 152.18.33.195 | 19-Apr-04/12:16 PM | Reply
Hey, remember all those nights when I was laying your kid sister and you were down in the bottom bunk and you didn't say anything about it or go tell your folks - were you jerking off to us then? God! That's terrible! I mean, it was your ten-year-old sister, for Christ's sake! Shame! Shame!
[10] zodiac @ 152.18.33.217 | 19-Apr-04/2:24 PM | Reply
The last line would be better "We all went home having learned nothing." Maybe that's what you meant. This is one of your best, anyway.
[10] ggawrysi @ 147.9.82.227 | 19-Apr-04/3:23 PM | Reply
S4 had the most powerful imagery in the poem, I definitely enjoyed it. Very well done; every word adds something to the poem, there's no fluff anywhere.
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 19-Apr-04/5:08 PM | Reply
The set up is out of proportion to the delivery, but the language is solid enough.

Something to think about if you ever do a rewrite.
[9] edpeterson @ 68.79.4.88 | 20-Apr-04/7:21 AM | Reply
not learned, earned.
318 view(s)




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