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Escaper (Free verse) by fevriere Foresake what you mean. Wriggle out, evade
the spontaneous frame, the polite case you find in your hands.
Time waits to gobble you up,
for you are fabricated and nearly faked
and worn and tired, tried and creased.
At your heart, a poor gown.
They crush you to feel your worth.
They break you to taste your life.
Up the ladder:
Cataclysm and Echo
Down the ladder:
Rambling
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: April 3, 2004 4:02 AM PST; Last modified: April 6, 2004 10:07 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.976287 Overall Rank: 8256 Comments:
[7]
deleted user @ 68.169.177.107
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3-Apr-04/1:53 PM
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Reply
Why write this sentiment in second person? I think you mean "I am fabricated," etc. Who is crushing you, breaking you? Still I know the feeling of being "nearly faked," "tired and creased."
[n/a]
fevriere @ 62.254.128.6
> deleted user
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6-Apr-04/10:11 AM
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Reply
Because although I write a lot about myself, I was finally quite pleased to write something that wasn't exactly a self-analysis, more an advisory voice: I may understand what I am saying but the poem is a response, a literal "look at yourself".
[7]
deleted user @ 32.103.153.67
> fevriere
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6-Apr-04/10:29 AM
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Reply
I see it now in this revision. Before, I think you had mixed I and you, making it confusing. But then I don't have the prior version to compare.
[n/a]
fevriere @ 62.254.128.6
> deleted user
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7-Apr-04/7:28 AM
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Reply
I'm afraid I just changed the title.
Foresake should be Forsake.
I'm a little muddy on 'the polite case', but I'm sure you mean something by it. I would like to see you put a different punctuation after 'up' and eliminate the 'for' afterward. Though when I read it it sounds good. I find it reads better with a comma after faked and no 'and' before 'worn'. See what you think. 'At your heart, a poor gown' is the weakest line and should be re-written. The last lines are really strong arresting etc, but I wonder if there's a better word to put in the place of 'worth'. The form seems to work pretty well. You might consider putting some space in every couple of lines, though. I don't know, play around and see what you think.
Space? You meant, altering the actual form "space"? Space-bar "space"?
I have to confess I agree with those corrections. Bothersome not being able to read one's own work like that. I think 'crush' and 'worth' don't have the same juxtaposition as 'break'/'life'. 182 view(s)
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