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Escaper (Free verse) by fevriere

Foresake what you mean. Wriggle out, evade the spontaneous frame, the polite case you find in your hands. Time waits to gobble you up, for you are fabricated and nearly faked and worn and tired, tried and creased. At your heart, a poor gown. They crush you to feel your worth. They break you to taste your life.

zodiac 6-Apr-04/10:59 AM
Foresake should be Forsake.

I'm a little muddy on 'the polite case', but I'm sure you mean something by it.

I would like to see you put a different punctuation after 'up' and eliminate the 'for' afterward. Though when I read it it sounds good.

I find it reads better with a comma after faked and no 'and' before 'worn'. See what you think.

'At your heart, a poor gown' is the weakest line and should be re-written. The last lines are really strong arresting etc, but I wonder if there's a better word to put in the place of 'worth'.

The form seems to work pretty well. You might consider putting some space in every couple of lines, though. I don't know, play around and see what you think.




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