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Helpless (Free verse) by _iamtwilight_
The dawn is slowly breaking through The sun must trade places with the moon. We creatures of the night must quickly depart Fot the hateful light and bursts of bright Will take our wings away from flight. As we cower, our minds are still swirling with power Yet we understand sunlight is our poison, Bitter and sour. Our bodies will be destroyed, Our soft flesh devoured. We have to move quickly Back into dark hours. Our windows painted black Doors locked & latched, We hide from the day And the comfort it lacks. We duck into our lair And in it we crouch, So as not to be seen by the suns evil glare. We reminisce of our night, Of our dangerous fights And wondrous sights. Of the beauty we beheld Looking into eyes so full of fright 'Till we all, one by one, Lay our heads down to rest. For the dusk will soon come, And our sharp fangs we shall bless. The thick red blood of a mortal Will transfer our energy to a powerful portal Where we are invincible, Where we cannot be touched Until, once again, the sun will rise And we will once again run Away from Gods eyes.

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Weighted score: 4.8410625
Overall Rank: 10695
Posted: February 20, 2004 9:43 PM PST; Last modified: February 20, 2004 9:43 PM PST
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Comments:
[6] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 22-Feb-04/5:23 AM | Reply
So many articles and pronouns, so little space ...

This thing almost takes off, but then it's gets hobbled by so many "the"s and "our"s and "we"s -- let it go free my blue-eyed tattooed lass -

Pour acid apon it and see the weak words run away; the stong will survive.

let
it
free.
[5] horus8 @ 24.130.214.180 > Shuushin | 22-Feb-04/5:19 PM | Reply
Feeling frisky are we? In my opinion, I aqgree with you however, I think unless you're a pro at doing what a million authors before you have done better, don't.
[6] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > horus8 | 22-Feb-04/6:30 PM | Reply
Yes, and - agreed.
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