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Lonely Hearts (Free verse) by cjg The stars shine through my rain-streaked window
as loney hearts dream of smiles.
They shout to me with the silence of crimped love-letters:
I am one of them,
calling back through rain upon my face,
hope at seventy beats per minute.
But hope dissolves when bathed in acid from the clouds,
which make happy shapes to mock me.
I flatline at midnight.
Applause builds to match my new pulse,
for I have joined the others--
the lonely hearts.
Up the ladder:
My Fart Is Eternally Yours (Free Sniff) By Yo-Yo
Down the ladder:
Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.875
Posted: January 30, 2004 7:51 PM PST; Last modified: January 30, 2004 7:51 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.5042653 Overall Rank: 2665 Comments:
[8]
annabellee @ 64.252.105.83
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30-Jan-04/7:56 PM
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Reply
This is good. 8
This isn't bad. Of course, "lonely hearts" could be accused of being sort of a cliched phrase, and topic, but I kinda like what you did with it. Typo on lonely in L2, and I also think, in the same line, you could use a much more unique word than "smiles." "Hope at seventy beats per minute" is one of my favorite lines, as is "I flatline at midnight." I don't think you need to repeat lonely hearts at the end. Use something that implies it rather than outright saying it again.
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