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Captive

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Jan 2004 · 1 comment

I am captive to the downward spinning with in my soul. I cast not intentionally darkened bleekness in my heart, as if I were drowning I can not feel anything, But dark sadness. The rest is fake my soul is broken! I am captive inside myself.

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1 comment

[0] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 30-Jan-04/11:34 AM Reply

'within' is one word, as is 'cannot'. You also spelt 'bleakness' incorrectly. In general, the piece is awkward and unpleasantly written. I mean look at this line, for instance:

'The rest is fake my soul is broken.'

What you've done there is squashed two stupid sentences into one, extra stupid, non-sentence. You need something to separate the two. Either a semi-colon, i.e 'The rest is fake; my soul is broken!', or just have them as separate sentences. I suspect that had you just written down what you were trying to say, without trying make it into a poeme, you probably would have ended up with something far more coherent. What you have instead is a mess with arbitrary linebreaks. Good effort though! -10-