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drum circle (Other) by <~>
last night, the mountain went unmounted we assembled in the hems of her skirts while above, steely heads walled off the quickening sky, piling higher, squeezing tight the vault between jaws of a thundrous vise we thought it unwise to climb her heights that night and as crepusculation commenced bright white broke tight above us seeking shelter the stonemason, the masseuse, the drummer, the engineer, the horsewoman, the mothers, the daughter, the dog, and me: we lit the lanterns and candles and scritched the cats when they arched their backs and wove between our knees, until the trees grew quiet and the rumbling ceased. beneath the clearing eventide, we feasted. strangers, acquaintances, and friends were here to see, and partake and perhaps awaken something with the threat now paled (and the dinner plates cleared away) we circled our seats around a center was found, and silence descended the drummer spoke, and told us each to find our piece of rhythm, to listen, and let it weave itself in begin and slapping, tapping, rapping, clicking, clacking clapping called back to the silenced night sky a boom struck hollow, again, again, and again atop the din. on and on it went, each seeking something in the seething sound surrounding him cacophony then conceded, condensed, and coalesced conjoined, as one voice made of many: warp and weft, naive and deft, high and low, fast and slow, on it pulsed, out it flowed and as before, the thunder faded the hymn was ending we seemed to know though no one spoke it and as the last clap tapped at taut drawn skin, our eyes were raised in unison and silence

Up the ladder: Voted Off 3/17/04
Down the ladder: Velvetted

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6153846
Weighted score: 6.1809406
Overall Rank: 1010
Posted: August 7, 2002 10:14 AM PDT; Last modified: August 7, 2002 10:14 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Frass @ 66.160.116.193 | 8-Aug-02/10:30 AM | Reply
You've got many creative ideas and scrumptious wordplay; internal rhymes, etc.
[6] yarlgrenn @ 192.124.123.254 | 16-Aug-02/1:53 PM | Reply
'lo. this is what i think. stanzas three and four weaken the poem and are unnecessary. crepusculation throws me off. it seems... forced? otherwise, some nice rhythm and phrasing. this poem could, in general, use a good tightening up. there are strong parts indeed, but which are overall weakened by unnecessary lines. i would call this a good, first (or second?) draft, me, in terms of the sort of revision which should be attempted here. contact me if you'd like further detail about this.
[7] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 22-Aug-02/7:55 AM | Reply
I also wonder if this is a bit ragged around the edges, but the concrete section in the middle is beuatifully handled.
[4] god'swife @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-Aug-02/9:19 AM | Reply
I like the last 3 stanzas and the image at the end. But if somethings worth writing about, it's worth writing well. This needs refining.
[8] rockinindividual @ 66.171.38.29 | 27-Dec-02/7:17 PM | Reply
lovely..."cacophony then conceded, condensed, and coalesced
conjoined, as one voice made of many:
warp and weft, naive and deft,
high and low, fast and slow,
on it pulsed, out it flowed" <- great description....8

[6] nentwined @ 12.107.1.131 | 28-Dec-02/2:56 PM | Reply
color me confounded and confused. :/
[7] Tintagiles @ 198.164.219.124 | 1-Feb-03/8:48 PM | Reply
Hmmm. I never thought I'd end up using this comment on someone, but it seems to be trying too hard. Lovely, though.
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